In this advice-filled episode, dating coach Cristina Gonzalez discusses the importance of self-love and confidence in the dating journey, emphasizing the need for authenticity in online dating profiles and thoughtful conversation starters.
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Transcript
Hi and welcome to the You World Order Showcase podcast. Today we are talking to Cristina Gonzalez who is the curvy girl dating coach.
I'm so excited.
To be chatting with you today. Thank you so.
Much for joining me.
Thank you for inviting me. This is going to be exciting.
I think so. I was over there looking on your website. I was just like, I'm so inspired that.
But you really focus on loving yourself 1st and.
Being comfortable with who you are before.
You start into like how to find a date.
I think so many people missed that.
So tell us.
A little bit about how you got started.
Why? Why are you doing this?
Well, like you know how you go on like a bad date after bad date and then you start feeling like something is wrong with you like.
That's why I need. I wanted somebody to help me that way. So I was single for 10 years and I had, you know, a great life going on and, you know, went to school, did this all, all the things and, you know, year after year I was single and single and single. And I'm like, you know, there.
Has to be.
Something wrong with me? And then I would blame my weight.
You know, because I was a little overweight and all the things and I am I finally just started kind of like you said like looking into myself and I know it's kind of cliche to be like oh, you need to love yourself. But it was really more loving myself. And to being like.
Knowing who I am being confident about what I wanted, not settling for people like going out on dates with people that I knew that weren't going to be a good match for me, but going out because I thought like, oh, this is what I, you know, this is what I get, you know? And so I just got tired of that and started kind of really like tuning in to myself and.
UM, I finally had success and I found a relationship that I wanted and I was like, there's got to be, you know, I don't want women to feel like this ever. And so I just kind of made.
It a commitment.
That this is what I want to do for people and I want to help out women to.
Know that.
The only thing that's holding them back is themselves.
A lot.
Of times, I think.
We just grow up thinking, oh, we have to go find a guy and get married and. And to be honest, there was a time not that long ago when that was the thing women went to college not to find careers, but to find husbands who were going to get good careers. And today.
More women go to college than men, and it's not the place where you go to find a spouse anymore.
It's a place to go to get educated.
And women can do so many things that they couldn't do, you know, in the in the 50s and the 60s all the way up until close to the 70s, women really did need to have some man in their life. Now we really don't need them.
It's nice when you find somebody that you really enjoy.
Their company. But you're not.
Dependent on them, the way we once were as women in this country.
Yeah. And you know, that's the that's kind of the way that I grew up, not necessarily like that. I was gonna need to grow up to rely on a man. But, you know, I had all my influences and my family were, uh, married, you know? So I thought I had to check all these boxes and meet all these milestones. And that was another reason why I wanted to start this so badly because.
You know, I broke up with a boyfriend at 27 years old and I was like, ohh no. Like, I need to, you know, I'm almost 30. I have to have somebody fall in love with me. I have to marry them. We have to buy a house and we have to start having a family and.
Three years, like, how is this going to happen and when that didn't happen, 30 and I knew I had to revise my plan like.
I didn't want to feel.
Bad about it or like that? I was a failure or there was nothing that there was something wrong with me, so I just had to rewrite my story and decide that that was OK and that's just not how it works for everybody. And that's just not.
Through anymore, you know? So that was a really big lesson throughout my singleness.
Yeah. And even having kids, some people have them. I have.
A lot of them, but my.
Sisters don't have any.
Yeah, I.
In fact, neither of my sisters is even.
Married and they're very.
Successful human beings and pursued great careers and.
Live great lives. It's just the dynamics have changed so much and just being able to step into who you are. And if somebody comes along, great.
Right.
They don't.
Great. And maybe they'll come along too much later.
Right.
Yeah. And that's true. And like I always tell my clients, like you can't just not live your life and just be like, oh, well, I can't go on vacation until I find a partner or I can't buy a house until I find a partner or I can't start a family until you meet.
People start families without partners like it's possible, you know, maybe not easy. Maybe you know all the things. But if you want it, go do it. You.
Know and you'd.
Be surprised how many kids I know I've had other kids living with us kind of outside the system.
That they for one reason or another, their family dynamics were weird and you know, like.
Mom left when they were really young and then dad has like all these problems, so they're just like out there.
They're not really in the system as far as you know being.
With social services, but.
They're certainly not old enough to live on their own, and they're still needing to go to school and, you know, get an edge.
And so you never know who's going to come along. It's kind of my point when it comes to having kids.
Because you may.
Have kids, but then you're going to have kids. Sometimes kids just show up in your life.
And they.
May be there first season they may be there forever.
So you know just.
The whole family picture is so different now than it was for a lot of years. Maybe it's always been that way, but it wasn't like the fairy tale.
Thing that we've been taught.
Right. That's very true.
So you have women date and this is really interesting to me because I haven't dated and.
I don't know.
My 28th anniversary is coming up so.
Sounds good for you. Have the anniversary.
What? What advice can you give people?
What do you what?
Do you what is it like out there, right?
Now I have like no idea.
It's rough, you know, and you definitely go up and down. And like I said, you might start blaming yourself that there's something wrong with you and there's nothing wrong with you. It's just you're not finding the right people. You're not being in that right.
Spot. So I mean my.
The If you want a relationship like first you need to decide.
What you want?
Like if you want a long term relationship, commit to finding it. It you have to go through and you know kiss a lot of frogs first, but you just you're going to get there, if that's what you want. And there's a lot of different kinds of relationships that people want. Some people just want.
Nice companion that they go and do things with and that's it, you know? And that's good too. There's not any limitations on the types of relationships that you want. But definitely I feel like my best advice is to give, like, be confident in what you want and don't date people like don't date the people that don't want the same thing as you.
Like don't try to change them, don't be open minded. Well, maybe that this is what I want instead, just no.
Get those people out of the way and focus on the people.
That are like you so.
I think that's kind of our best advice.
And do stuff.
You know the go on vacations and you know, go to restaurants that you like to go to go in groups, make communities find communities because you never know in a community how.
Somebody's going to have a friend.
Yeah. I mean, they say that every one person that you meet, there's like a whole wedding party of people, you know, so the more people that you go out there and do things like, and that's the thing too, people ask, like, where do you meet people nowadays? And it's like doing the stuff that you enjoy doing is where you meet people. So, like, don't sit at home and be like, oh, I'm.
You know, single, I can't do anything. Go do stuff, go meet people. Go shake people's hands. Don't be afraid of being alone and looking weird. Because the minute that you go in there and shake your somebody's hand and talk to them, then you're not alone anymore. Like you have a whole world of people to go and be.
Friends with and so like, I always tell people like don't wait for to travel. If you want to go travel, go travel. Maybe the person that's going to be in the airplane next to you is going to be the love of your life. Like you don't know, so don't.
Hold back on your life and just.
Go live it. Don't wait for.
That join classes and learn to dance do something new, join to do them. You know, there's just like, so many things out.
There to pursue it, and especially since you know.
The great pandemic has passed. We can all get together again and it it's fun to like, go to the beach.
And play volleyball or I don't know.
Group that likes to hike whatever it is that you like to do. Go and do that.
And then you're not alone. You may show up alone, but you're with a group.
Yeah, exactly. And there's, like, meet up groups now, like the Internet is just wonderful in finding, you know, groups of things to do, like getting out of your comfort zone. But like, uh, finding.
Like figuring out what your future partner and you like want to do. Go do those things, you know and.
So if you like volunteering, go volunteer. You know, just it it's.
There's it's possible.
To go find the person that you want out in life, you just got to go out there. I only know one person and like only one person who has ever had like their partner knock on their door and find like because you know how people say like nobody's just going to knock on your door and you're not going to fall in love with them.
I do have one person that that has been true for.
Was it a salesman?
It was a contractor. She had some things to get done through her, like some work to do in her house, and he just like.
Kept, you know, it took longer and took longer and took longer, you know, because he wanted to get to know her. And you know, it worked out so.
That's great, I love.
That it could be a romcom. I think it's like the theme of most.
Right, honey?
Yeah, right it should.
Of them that.
I watch.
Right.
So let's.
Look at the dark side for a minute. What things do you have to caution women about in the dating world?
Especially online dating.
Yeah, like, definitely you just don't know who you're going to meet, especially online. So I just always, you know, say keep it safe, communicate with people, like, have a best friend that knows, you know, the name of the person they're handle on, you know, their online handle where you met them, you know where you're going, when you're expected to be back.
UM, you know, if you feel like you need to have like.
Uh, like, oh, I'm sorry. I really need to take.
This call and.
Like step out to go and make sure that it's OK, just do it and I just the.
As far as the dark side is concerned, just feel safe. Meet in public. I always say like have like a favorite like bar or restaurant or something that you know, like the staff that works there so that you can be like, hey, this is where I'm going to be on all my first.
Dates. I'm just letting you know.
So that they can see if there's something off and they can help you out. And you know you can do a signal or something.
Great idea.
And so they can help you out. So I definitely am an advocate of getting to know people around and having, like a safe first date place, even if it's Starbucks, you know? If so, if you're like, if I come back and order a hot tea, call the police.
Yeah, that's great.
And as silly as that sounds it, I've known many people who've gone on Internet dates know people that have moved across the.
World and been.
I don't know what.
Possesses somebody to do that, but they were very disappointed when they realized that this person was not who they.
They seem to be on online because even with zoom you can't tell it if maybe the person hangs the toilet.
Paper upside down the wrong way or.
Right.
Maybe they just don't care.
Total deal breaker.
Yeah, you know, I. But one of my favourite reality shows is love after lock up and it's the same thing. It's like y'all. Are you thinking like, why did you think that this is a good idea? You just moved to a different state?
And you don't.
Know this person like you've never been.
On a date.
Yeah. And I'm not against people going on wild adventures, but.
Do it safe, you know, make sure that.
I like your idea of having a dedicated, you know first date spot and having you know your.
Your policy there back you up because it keeps people out of trouble. And I know when I was young we didn't.
We didn't think about those kinds of things and a lot of women in my age group we.
You have to.
Got into trouble and.
I would be very happy if everybody else didn't.
Right. No, I don't understand.
Get into those situations.
Yeah, I mean, I definitely in my 10 years of being single had made a lot of probably not the best decisions like thankfully, you know I'm great and everything's OK. But yeah, definitely have met in not public spaces before and you know just dumb but.
We're good.
We're safe. We're fine.
I made it through.
And you have some.
You have a profile checklist, but the curvy girl dating profile checklist, if I remember correctly. I really like that you also had some advice in there about.
Dming people. If you want to.
Talk about that a little bit.
Because you get.
Yeah, for sure.
Into conversations with people over direct messaging and.
Yeah. So I have a curvy girl dating profile checklist and so curvy girl comes from. I am I work with plus size women mostly I work with all sizes but mostly plus size women so anyhow so with the checklist there's a few different sections on it and the first area it talks about.
Pictures like doing like a great headshot. That's, you know, doesn't have a lot of filters and like, don't wear sunglasses, like, let somebody see who you are and all, you know, all.
Your beauty and UM, same thing with your body and your curves like show them off and be, you know, be who you are and be confident in your own skin. And you know, don't be afraid to be authentic and show who you are because you know there's going to be someone out there that just thinks that you're perfect. And then.
Really hot.
Yeah, exactly. And.
I know.
Yeah, my boyfriend.
For me, that was something that when I was young, I like everybody has to be thin. It was just like drilled into me and then.
I met my husband. He was just like.
No. You better eat girl.
Yeah, I mean, my boyfriend as well, like the picture that he commented on with me was like a picture that I was wearing like, like workout pants and ATV shirt and no makeup on. I was like deer hunting with my family. And we're from Texas. So that's like normal. Right. So.
You know, and he was like hey.
Nice T-shirt.
And I had.
All kinds of like other pictures with makeup on and had my hair done and he commented on the ugly one, but I was trying to showcase my diversity and my.
Know like everything that I do right or my versatility or I don't know what.
It is but.
But yeah, I was trying to showcase that I could do different things and I wasn't just one person that wears the same makeup all day. So yeah, he commented on the picture with no makeup on. So I mean, you just don't know what people are going to find.
Beautiful and uh. And so after that, like the pictures are one thing, but then, like, uh, creating a conversation through those pictures, like be interesting in your pictures, you know, not just a whole bunch of selfies, you know, like, show the things that you like to do if you like to travel, where's the last place that you traveled, you know? And just really just.
Showcase like.
Who you are in in these pictures? Like, just not just all the selfies at your house and the bathroom and UM. And so when you're having these, like when you're creating the profile and doing your like, personal description, like, talk about those things, talk about what you do, what you want to do. Like, I want to do these things with a partner. Like, if my perfect partner would.
You know, enjoy, you know, running in the mornings on Saturday. I mean, I don't know if that's my thing, but some people like that. Right and so.
What just really talk about that because with when the DM comes, you want to give people an opening to send you a DM and be like, hey, I saw this picture, where was it? You know, it looks I love the beach. You know, what beach was this? You want to give people an opening to want to talk to you?
And when you're looking, the same thing goes for you when you're looking to DM somebody. Look at those pictures and ask them a question you want instead of like, hey, what's up? You know, like, do something that's a little thoughtful, like, hey, you know, I noticed that you, like Seinfeld, whatever it is, just you.
Have some questions and give people that option.
Be be a person and be interested.
Right. Be interesting.
And interested because sometimes you just need to like, wonder about what they're doing, if you're DMing them cold and.
Look at their.
Stalk them on Facebook or wherever they go.
Right, exactly. That is totally allowed. And so, yeah, so that's pretty much what my checklist is all about. Just UM trying to have a really good, healthy content in your own platform that you can show.
Off who you.
Know who you are.
And the, you know, the best of who you are and show yourself off and you know, and hopefully you'll find somebody that will be interested in that and you can go on all the dates.
You're telling me you're developing another?
Yes I am working on a webinar that has to do with my with my profile checklist. It'll be a deep dive into that so the goal and this will be the end of September so stay tuned but.
Another thing.
And I'll have it available to you as well, but.
It's just going to be a deep dive into that the profile. So at the end of the webinar in the one hour you'll have it ready to go and ready to post. So I'm really looking forward to that because a lot of people will tell me that they don't know what to write. And so this will be a great opportunity to be interactive and give each other ideas.
That sounds really great, and it's always more fun to.
Do stuff like that with friends.
Yes, exactly. Yes, I will tell you the truth. If you show me a picture, I'll be like. No, not that one.
So bring lots of pictures.
So how does
Your coaching actually work is it? one-on-one? Is it group? Is it what is?
It what's it look like?
I do. I do one-on-one coaching right now I do.
4 months, at a time, and I'm kind of flexible with that. But mostly I like to do four months because I feel like that captures like enough time for you to, uh, kind of meet some certain goals for yourself. And so I like to customize everybody's, uh, everybody's package on what, where they are now like, because people are at different levels and they're dating so.
I don't want to have like this generic package where you might be not ready for some things or completely you know it's way too far behind, you know. And so I customize the package on like where you are now, where you want to look for, you know where you want to be in four months and like, what's a realistic vision of your future self.
And we just create goals and we work on them every week. So I do that and I do have, uh, the vision in the future to create a group membership and have a group program. So umm, you can stay in and every month we'll have a new topic and talk about, you know, have one focus and maybe a challenge or so.
And then, you know, it'll just be a monthly membership. So that's going to be in the future. But for right now.
We're doing one on ones.
Sounds great. So.
How can they get in touch with you?
UM, you can find me on Instagram and Facebook at the curvy girl dating coach. And I also have a website, thecurvygirldatingcoach dot com. And be sure if you click the link in my bio, you can go ahead and grab that free checklist if you would like.
Yeah. I encourage people to do that. It was.
Really good well put together.
Thank you.
So what's the one thing you want to leave?
The audience with today.
I just say, like I said, be safe, have communication, be with the people that go on dates with people that you know meet similar interests and values that you are and like are going in the right direction as you and you know it's OK to say no to people that don't match what you're looking for.
Yeah, that's a really good point. Be comfortable with telling people no. Have boundaries. It's.
Yeah, it's totally OK.
Not going to help them and it's not going to help you.
Right. I mean, because if you're if you just tell somebody, hey, this is not what I'm looking for, it opens then the IT gives them the opening to go find who they want and what's best for them.
Yeah, so such valuable information. Thank you so much for joining us today. Cristina really enjoyed this conversation.
Thank you so much.