Rebecca Olla – Battling Teen Suicide: A Vital Conversation

Hi and welcome to the You World Order Showcase podcast. Today we are speaking with Rebecca Olla. Rebecca is a child suicide and mental health advocate and she, she and I have been chatting offline for several months now and I've.

I feel really passionately about what she's doing as far as bringing attention to the world about the.

Massive increase in in teen suicide that's happening around the globe, so welcome to the show, Rebecca. I know this is a really serious topic, and I know it's one that's near and dear to your heart as well as mine, so.

Share with us what you're doing. What tidbits of information you have to help us reach our teens more effectively.

Well, first of all, I'm going to hit you with a statistic. Teenage suicide is the second leading cause of death in teenagers.

And you can't ignore that.

There is a whole.

There's a whole group of not my kid. It's actually a syndrome.

And nobody wants to think that they're physically that.

At the time I was a teenager, you didn't go to your parents, you went to your friends and your friends are teenagers too, and they're really mixed up.

But I think.

A lot of the problem is that people feel like they don't have time to talk to their kids. Their kids are just fine, or else they can come to.

Them, but we grew up. So where are we? Wouldn't get our parents.

All he has to do.

Tell your story.

Oh, OK.

When I was 16.

I started to get very depressed.

And one day I went into the girl's bathroom as the bell rang in high school and I sat down on the floor and I hit the back of my head against the wall until.

It bled.

And I turned around and I thought it was pretty.

And I said.

To myself, pretty.

That's not normal.

I couldn't get.

To my parents.

So I went to my art teacher.

And I went to my creative writing teacher.

But these.

Teachers have 20 to 30 kids for five hours.

I went to the school counselor and she actually had me sit in to help with my friends thing.

But so I didn't feel like.

I had any recourse, so I attempted to.

Take my own life.

There was a serious attempt. I'm very lucky to still be here.

But if I.

Had had parents who'd taken an interest.

Made me feel safe.

I wouldn't have tried it. I don't think a.

Lot of teams would try.

It if they just felt safe talking to their parents.

So the main focus I have today is.

Making time.

You don't have to make a lot of time, but hi, how did your day go? That won't work.

I know that some of it is.

Going to be uncomfortable.

If your kid doesn't feel.

Safe to come to you and they get suicidal.

If you can cut it.

Off at that point, if you.

Can recognize it. At that point you.

Can get them.

Therapy and maybe medication. The two first symptoms of teenage mental illness.

Are depression and anxiety.

But you can.

Tell if your kids are unhappy because they'll sleep.

Too much or not enough?

They start to overeat or under eat.

But all of that if you're.

Not looking. You're not going to get it.

I think the best thing to do.

Is just talk to your kids and listen active listening. Most people when they talk, they think about what they're going to say next instead of what they're hearing, so they don't hear it.

Our kids can't be.

Committing suicide these huge numbers.

Obviously, we'd all love for them not to do.

It at all.

But it doesn't just end one layer.

The siblings you as parent.

It's gonna really cause a lot of depression, a lot of guilt.

So take a little time.

Ask your kid what they're doing at.

School and really listen.

Ask them how they're feeling very much.

Without judgment.

Exactly. But then you just when you love.

It has to.

Be unconditional and without judgment, especially when you.

Love your kid.

If you don't understand how they're feeling or why they're feeling that, that's what Google is for.

I ended up, you know, being hospitalized.

That was here. He would helpful.

If you're depressed or anxious, they'll probably prescribe you something. But if you look at the numbers, there's so many people taking anti depression or anti anxiety pills.

So I'm getting this a little backwards.

What we want to do?

Is establish a rapport.

If you let your kids feel heard, which I believe is basic human need, they'll talk to you. You may.

Have to do it for a.

While because they're not used to talking to you.

And you might have to bite your tongue a lot of times when they say things that that kind of rub you the wrong way or you you're not, you're not really sure what they mean. Or even sometimes kids will say things to you for the shock value. They recognize that they're going to shock you when they tell you something.

In fact.

And if you can keep from.

From emoting about what they're saying, just listen, ask interesting questions and be curious rather than instructive.

You may find that you have a larger impact on them and then they.

Will feel heard.

It's hard to make a dent. Neutrophil hard.

They're going through so many changes.

And they need to have a safe place at home.

I grew up in.

A family where I wasn't allowed to show emotion.

So when I did.

Try to kill myself. My parents were shocked.

If they had taken an interest even for 10 minutes a day, it wouldn't have happened.

And when I told my mom, please not to tell anyone. She had childcare and she told them all because she felt she had to, every single woman said they had tried that at their age.

Now we're.

In a much different age, and with COVID that didn't help the isolation.

You don't have to be friends with your kid, your parents.

But your kid has a lot to talk about.

It might not.

Be so important that you need to take them to therapy.

It might just be little things at first.

Like I'm going to the prom and I guess.

I'm so excited.

But if I showed you a picture of myself two weeks before I had.

To cut myself.

I was a happy person.

Starting a dialogue starts with trust.

If you don't understand something, Google it.

Google is your friend.

It's hard to get behind what your teenager doing today because it changes so quickly.

But they need you.

And they need to know.

That you love them like you said, without judgment.

These aren't bad kids.

Really, I don't think there's.

Anything as a bad kid, the environment.

Can change you.

And once you developed a report.

And I would start as early as elementary school.

Once you've developed a report, you need to establish so they really understand that you're a safe.

Place to fall.

And some kids are gonna.

Really push back.

If that happens, wait it out.

If it still happens, I suggest group therapy.

Because that generally happens if a kid has bad secrets.

And they want to tell you.

But they don't feel safe.

And you can actually spot mental illness, and if you catch mental illness in teenagers, not only do you make.

It easier on them.

But it becomes.

Easier to talk to them.

There's some telltale signs. Do you know for teenage mental illness?

I know you talked about the.

Depression seems to be the worst.

Anxiety that kind of shows up, but depression sometimes doesn't.

I remember smiling through everything.

Went inside. All I wanted to do was die.

And like I said.

If my parents had let me go.

Into them, I wouldn't have gotten to that point.

Is so communication, of course. But then their thing is that you can see.

In the DSM.

Five, which is the book psychiatrists use to.

See the symptoms.

But the first one is generally over sleeping or under sleeping.

Then worrying too much about things you can't control, feeling guilty about things you didn't do.

Stop doing things that brought you joy.

There are.

A lot of hints.

One thing to think about.

Is that there are kids who are overachievers.

And I knew a boy.

Who was always.

Perfect.

Always perfect.

But when they.

Were walking home and he realized that he was sorry he was working full time, going to school full time. Honestly, with it being a botanist. But we're walking back and having lovely conversation and he realizes his hair, his hair is touching his color. He didn't get a haircut.

Time he fell apart.

So over cheaters sometimes just want your attention.

And that's what you need to give them.

I've heard that.

Time is the best gift you can ever give.

I know that it's a 2 income society or a single parent society, and when you're done with the day you wanna relax and have some me time.

To maybe save your child's life.

I don't see why being tired and wanting your own space could be that far affected.

And plus.

You had these kids.

You raised these kids.

You want them to be well adjusted and happy.

But you aren't giving them.

An example.

Sometimes family meals.

Are a good idea.

It's a good.

Time to talk and kids are more.

Likely to open up later.

I know most people right now grab something out of the fridge and eat it standing up.

Or in front of the TV.

Exactly, exactly. Not only is that really bad for your diet, but the time is wasted.

Well, I'm not talking religion. I know some people who are very religious in whatever religion they practice are.

Are more likely to have dinner on the table with everybody.

Without the television going.

Yes, yes. Or any kind of social media. I truly believe that if you're talking to your kid, you don't answer texts.

My poor nephew.

I'm sorry.

I was just going to say yeah it.

It's so common where people will be holding their phones and pretending like they're talking to you, but they're not. You can't have two conversations.

A different medias at the same time, and it's really difficult to have a dinner conversation or to really listen as you're eating. And we used to always have family meals.

Somewhat better than others, but.

But it's a good it's a good time to if you can leave all the devices in other rooms.

It's just like.

Come into this room, we're going to eat together. We're going to talk.

And what happens afterwards? That's fine, but just having that space, a safe container where everybody knows this is this is when.

We find out about each other's day and this is how we participate in, in sharing what happened.

And bonding.

And bonding, yeah.

Bonding over meals is a big thing, and his culturally it's always been a really big thing.

Ohh yeah, it used to.

Be absolutely required. When my mom was a kid.

And when I was a.

Kid too, sometimes.

I thought it was just so we'd do the dishes, but.

Well, I was able to establish that lime and beans are poisonous.

And who would have known if you?

Didn't have dinner together.

But you know, sitting around having dinner.

Is a really good way to start getting in touch with your cats.

If you go to.

Your kids to talk to them.

And they what they're feeling bad instead of seeing you're saying, like, I see this, I do that.

You ask them a question that.

Is not yes or no.

Because they are obviously distressed.

You say it looks like you had a really hard day. I'd love for you to talk about it.

And you don't interrupt them, you listen.

Some kids think that parents are the enemy.

I did.

That's why I.

And honestly, in some cases.

The parents are the enemy.

I did grow up in a very abusive household.

But not everybody does. I mean I.

Would never have gone to.

My parents, because I would have gotten hurt.

But most kids.

That doesn't happen to. However, there is a trend.

That's getting worse.

And worse, and that's bullying in school.

That's going to undermine yourself, undermine your self-confidence and if you.

Walk into their room or even the door. Some of them don't want you to walk in their room and you say wow, it looks like you had a hard day. When I talk about it.

If you just talk things.

For like 10.

Minutes and then go ahead every time and eat your meal together.

It brings you so much closer and those kids are gonna grow up to be well adjusted.

Having people.

They'll be successful because they had a soft place to fall.

It also teaches them how to express their emotions like I can see that you're feeling angry. Or I can see that you're feeling irritated. Or I can see that you're. Hey, you look really happy. Did something. What? What special thing happened today that makes sure you smile like that?

And genuinely be interested in both sides of the coin, not just when they're like, really.

Obviously distressed and it's easy to see when teenagers are obviously distressed, but it's equally easy to see when there's something really great happen to them and it's a good opportunity to start.

A conversation at that point when you're on the upside.

So that when those bad things do happen and you know everybody has a bad day.

Once in a while, then, teenagers are put in a place where often they have a lot of bad days and they don't really know how to adjust to it, and they don't have the training to identify what they're feeling sometimes.

And as parents, that's kind of our.

Job is to.

Help them identify how they're feeling and to be able to articulate what.

They want in.

Or to just look at what happened and how they maybe could navigate it better in the future so that they don't end up in the situation where they're just like feeling like they're a victim instead of being empowered to make.

Decisions that could impact how that episode transpires in the future.

Yeah, the best time.

To reach your.

Kids is when they're happy.

And even very depressed kids have happy time.

And once you engage them with the while you did a great job or.

Do you feel?

Like you did a great job.

That makes all the difference. We're in. Everybody gets a trophy time.

Just so those kids will never feel.

Like they want something.

But they might come home and still be proud.

So it's a lot easier. You're right. It is a lot easier to talk to them before they get depressed.

Before they get anxious.

And kids are growing up.

And they can even be depressed most of the time, but if they're not used to you coming to them, it's easier to start coming to them and start the dialogue when they're.

So that they realize that it's safe.

When they're not happy.

Because when they're.

Not happy.

For them, it's.

They're already struggling with something, and then the idea of having to have a conversation with somebody they don't really trust.

That's difficult.

I would say when your kid does something great in school, you go up to them and say, well, you know, that was a great thing. How do you feel? I would be so proud of myself.

Keep on that.

Isn't it's fun that it's hard to talk about when they're depressed, as some kids really act out and they're depressed.

If you.

Support them in the Happy Times. The transition is so much easier.

Cause then it's.

Like, hey, you look, you look sadder than you usually.

Are something going on?

You've got.

To get him to talk to you.

Suicide being the second leading cause of death.

In America is.

It's, yes. Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

You know that a person's a teen.

I team killed themselves every two hours.

And 11 minutes.

So if you're not talking to your kid.

If you realize you just spent two hours and 11 minutes doing something else, then he lost some money here.

Really don't want it to be working.

It doesn't have to. It was like affect everyone.

Yeah. It's like having a grenade go off in your family and everybody's going to be injured by it.

And most people.

Don't really want to commit suicide, they just want the pain to stop. They want hope that their life isn't going to continue on in this horrible situation that they're in. That's just like they can't see that there's.

Possibility for a better future.

And that's where I think the communication comes in. It's like as adults, we should be able to share with kids that, you know, it's not always going to be like this. It's just like this for right now. It's a season everybody goes through seasons and some seasons are more difficult than others.

That if you can help them understand that process, I think you're going to help.

Them become more adjusted even as adults, because they'll recognize that you know.

Sometimes they're tough, sometimes they're really.

Right.

Nothing is static.

You know, when you when you succeed, when they move out of the house and they still call you.

Every day and even if.

They don't call you things.

Cool, yeah.

Can be really successful and not even have to communicate with you at all.

I really.

I really think that you're totally right about.

Doing it when they're happy.

Kids get objectionable when they get depressed. They can even get a little biased.

This is not really hurtful about throwing things at you. If you come into their room.

And in that case.

So they can just.

They can just clam up a lot of them. Just don't want to talk when they're when they're feeling bad or they're depressed. They're just like I don't matter and nothing that I say is going to matter, especially if you have a history with them where you're not listening to them. They're they probably won't want to communicate with you.

Which is why you need to start when they're doing something positive and you can get the pattern set up for them to.

Be able to.

Share with you when they're not feeling well.

When they're depressed.

You know the best kind of celebration of their small wins.

The best part?

Of that is, they see that you care.

I.

Don't want to see.

Anyone fall through the cracks anymore and we're losing therapists now? Very few people are trained to be therapists.

It's harder and harder to see a therapist.

But depression has different levels. Some of it is if someone like a friend or a parent.

Or even acquaintance and some people.

If they die.

That's not mental illness.

If they act out a special time, if you can.

Ask them why they're so angry or frustrated.

Because when kids get down to it and they get low enough to.

Try and kill themselves.

It can be under something that actually never happened.

One of the things to do.

Is don't raise your voice.

Don't do a long sigh.

I definitely don't shame.

If you can get your kids into activities.

That they really enjoy.

That's going to help them not.

Not just Vibs in what's wrong in our lives.

I know it sounds hard.

It's new.

I think we should make this the generation where that's the norm.

So many kids.

And I know the hell of feeling like a burden.

And feeling like I'm worthless.

Feeling like how could anyone in the world ever love a?

Person like me.

To go beyond.

That I am with the God.

So there is the whole I alone.

Know what depression running.

Those are roadblocks.

So yeah, what you said.

That's the one there.

Even a really depressed kid, or they'll have a time when they laugh.

And if you.

Say ohh, what are you laughing about?

And don't judge.

It makes such a huge difference.

You just validate it.

Often, laughter is the best medicine. If you can be silly with your kids. Sometimes it helps them to.

Realize that it's OK to be silly sometimes.

It's OK not to take everything so seriously because they have so much responsibility as schools.

I think it's harder now than.

It has ever been in terms.

If you go to a public school.

And if you.

Go to. You know if you're home schooled.

Then I'm sure you're talking to your.

Kids because you can't afford.

But you know.

Even if they're home, even if they're.

Working at home, parents and stuff.

That doesn't mean that they talk to their kids.

It's a different concept that people from our generation have dealt with.

That doesn't make it right.

I'm sorry.

My dog is.

Letting me know he's here. He's a puppy.

OK, just like I like my cat in the bedroom, she is going to gnaw on my.

Toes when I let her out.

So, Rebecca, how what are you doing right now? I you said you're going to. You're writing a book and you're getting ready to launch your website.

Are you working and you're working with?

Schools, what are?

What are you doing?

I plan to.

After the book comes out, I plan to go through everywhere from junior colleges down to middle school. I also plan months later in the.

Year or maybe in January?

We start doing workshops, has come some.

Parents will feel safer that way.

There are a lot of group therapy.

Groups out there.

But they don't always work.

And you don't almost want to go.

To them, because there's this stigma.

And that's a good thing to keep your kids away from.

Having stigmas attached to them so.

I suspect that you'll have your website up by the time this is posted, and if you'll share the link with me once you do get it put together so people can get in touch with you and I know they can find you on LinkedIn and I'll put that link in the show notes as well.

It's been great having you on the show.

I've really been looking forward.

To chatting with you about this for gosh, a few.

Months now.

What's the one thing you want to leave the audience with today?

If you take your kids to therapy and it turns out they didn't need it.

Is so much better than having needed it and living with.

The brat has regret.

Is a terrible thing.

I've seen families torn up for ever.

Yeah, you never recover from it.

Just very rough, no?

And it doesn't get better. You just have to help them learn.

But yeah.

Don't have crowds. Don't leave your kids alone.

So I guess.

That's the main point.

It's not fair these kids.

And they don't have another soft place to fall.

I couldn't agree more. Thank you so much for joining me.

Thank you for having me. I you know I don't.

Have a degree.

All I have is.

A BD. You've been there, done.

A lot of times, that's all it takes.

And I said.