Tanya Jurecki – Overcoming Shame in Recovery

Hi and welcome to the.

You World Order.

Showcase podcast. Today we are speaking with Tanya Jurecki. She is from Radiant Redemption, and she empowers women to reclaim their lives after addiction.

Welcome to the show. Tanya

Thanks for having me.

Bit of a rough start here, but I think we're on track now.

I think so.

So tell us.

Your story. How did you get into this line of coaching and what are you doing?

So for me it was birth out of my own story. So I am an alcoholic in recovery. I've been in recovery for almost three years now and I think what happened was in my own journey, realizing how as I was getting sober, I was still struggling with shame and not feeling like I could look people in the eye.

Anywhere outside of in recovery rooms. So if I was in a 12 step meeting I was fine. But outside functioning in real life.

I didn't know how to separate.

Out who I had been with, who I was turning into, and it just caused a whole lot of problems. And I think the more that I am in recovery working with women, it's seeing that I'm not alone in this struggle. I think that as we start to fix the problem of our addiction, whether it's alcohol or drugs.

For food, there's still some underlying story work that needs to be done of like digging back into some of the things that we believe about ourselves that we believed unquestioningly for probably our entire lives without realizing it, that are still playing out and how we're acting now.

Like I know that I've been able to come to such a place of, like, growth and healing and feeling more at home in my own skin and like, confident in myself and my abilities. And if I can help other women like walk alongside and coach them to be able to do that for themselves, to show up more fully for their families.

Or their work or whatever it is that is lighting them up to know that they have an opportunity to do that and they can live a life that lights them up.

That's.

A great.

A great place to be.

When you know that what you've gone through, the whole your message, your message.

It's really helpful to have that.

In your toolbox and to be able to help.

Other people who.

Are going through this process and it is really a process.

We've talked a little.

Bit about shame and how shame shapes.

How you feel after recovery? You want to talk about that a little bit?

Yeah, I think it is a huge barrier to actual healing and real recovery because again, for the most for most people, we aren't.

Drinking. That's not really the problem. Like we're drinking because we're running from things that we're not dealing with, like for me it was avoidance. I had a lot of shame narratives around being worthy, being lovable, being enough as I was.

And and just quitting drinking and starting to like work. Some of the steps did not address those issues. I was still feeling like I wasn't enough. I was still feeling unworthy. And now that I had this baggage of my past in the wreckage that I caused, I felt weighed down by.

It, and it was hard to see outside of it and I again.

And hearing stories, one of the beautiful things about 12 step meetings is getting to hear other people's stories and realizing we can own it in a room with other people who understand.

And but to go meet someone on the street, it feels like I have this part of me that I can't be honest about. And that's what Shane does, right? It's always like, well, if anyone ever knew you, then they would never want to be around you. And it keeps us isolated and keeps us thinking.

Pretty much on ourselves, it's still a very self focused emotion.

I just have seen it derail people, especially in the recovery journey because you get stuck in thinking that basically your life is no different now than before. It's just you don't have the coping mechanism that.

You did before.

And it I've seen a lot of people relapse and struggle to get any sobriety back after that because they just kind.

OK.

Of give up.

And I feel like if we can start to delve into story.

Just like.

Go back and and identify what's really tripping us up, because typically it's in our past. It's in our stories, whether it's from childhood or from what was happening when you were in addiction. There are stories at work. There are lies that we are believing. I mean, our brains work in narratives. We're always telling ourselves some kind of story. That's how we function as human beings. And so when we can tweeze out the lies and start to name them.

And be able to start to speak some truth into it and form new neural pathways, because that's the beauty of our brains. Is like we can actually change those thought patterns. And so taking advantage of that to start to speak truth to the lies that shame tells us.

That's, I mean, that's a huge part of my mission.

Where's appears says tell yourself a better lie.

That they're all lies.

You know your reality is based on what you think and.

And what you think?

Dictates how you feel in any given circumstance, and shame is just one of those emotions that can.

It can derail even people that are have never had an addiction problem.

They just didn't find a coping mask in.

It so that they could become addicted to.

And it probably is one of the key reasons people do.

Become addicted to things they just like, want to escape those thoughts and those stories that keep going on in their head.

So you talk about.

The shadows of shame on your website.

Do I talk about?

That a little more.

How? Shame actually like not waiting to attack you.

I think yeah, it's.

So I think when you are working so specific for recovery as you're working this program, it's a very vulnerable space in trying to learn how to live differently and how to actually cope with emotions. And I feel like it's always lingering in the background. So as I'm doing the work of let's.

Say identifying my character defects or I'm having to make amends and there is just this like voice in the back of my head. It's like they're never going to forgive you. You know, we're not going to be relationship with this person anymore. And look at this list of defects you think you're ever going to be any different. And it's just I feel like it's almost kind of like a lion just waiting to attack.

And it's in those soft spaces like it's where you're vulnerable and recovery is a huge process of vulnerability because we've always armored up behind, lies behind whatever substance or thing of choice that we were using to, to numb out and avoid. Now, in this space of having to be open, having to be honest.

That gives shame a huge place and playground to just run rampant in your brain if you are not being honest about it with people. And I again like that's where it comes down to communication, because it does lurk in the shadows and it will start to overtake you and you do start to believe it because there's already I like to imagine it like a super highway in my brain.

Of all of these stories, all of these narratives, so anything that comes close to you know, I am not enough or I am not worthy. My brain knows how to take it and like, run that highway because we've done it my whole life. So it's a very, very well paved.

So what are the some of the coconut mechanisms that you work with people on and and how do you work with people? Is it like group coaching? Is it 1?

On one coaching, how does that look?

So group coaching, I think the power in this because we're going to have to do.

Some story work.

Is being able to Share your story, and I'm going to put it like my mentor puts it looking into the eyes of acceptance, for one thing, being able to be received in a space where you feel shame. That is the antidote is accepted.

Is compassion.

Also, I think being able to know that you're not alone in what you're doing, because that's the other thing is thinking like no one's ever done these things that I've done. So group work and this I think is essential because that's where the real healing comes in. Knowing you're not alone, being able to be received. And I think typically I want to start to understand what.

Like some of the thought patterns and some of the behaviors that are still struggles.

Because it's like, OK, if you're exploding every time someone asks you a question, we need to dig into that. Like, what's going on there? Because that's not a normal reaction to someone.

Saying like hey.

You know you forgot to shut the door. Like, why are you screaming at them after kind of a thing? And so it's just to start to, like, identify what are some areas that you're still noticing some weird behaviors in, and we're going to start to kind of trace it back and see if.

We can map out where that started.

And why that's happening?

Because I think we can't.

Start to combat shame until we know what it is that we're believing. You can't fight something when you don't know what it is. We can treat things surface level, but you will not get lasting results. And so I think this is the way to true change.

You actually find.

The shame stories with people, do they?

Like just know.

What they are or do you have like ways of helping them figure that out?

It's. Yeah, it's lots of questions because typically we want to go to the easiest closest answer. And so we have to keep kind of digging in and it's almost, I almost kind of like use some of the tools that my counselors have used with me in, in a very similar way of like just kind of.

Trying to peel back the layers of the onion, so to speak, because typically it's more you want to go towards the earliest memory of when you notice this stuff happening and then we're going to start to or like were these behaviors you grew up with. So you thought this was just a normal thing because I think part of it too sometimes is.

You take on whatever was normalized in your family of origin, so sometimes it's like, yeah. Well, I mean, I grew up in a house where my mom yelled at me every time I did something wrong. And so I just thought it was normal that you yell when you're upset and then everything's OK.

But yeah, I think it's good questions and or starting to question some of the.

Dynamics at home.

Do you find that most people that have addictions come from us, like a family, generational curses or whatever? But it just like it's a learned behavior. Or is it?

If, like.

What are the percentages where it's?

You know the family is.

Not addictive, but the person is they.

Abuse substances.

It's interesting. I think I'm actually noticing that there's a good mix of both. There are a lot of people who do obviously come from homes where one or both of their parents were addicts of some sort. But then there's also a lot of who don't who. And I think that's where sometimes they get worried. Like maybe I don't qualify as an alcoholic because I didn't grow up in an alcoholic.

And yeah, it's actually really interesting seeing how you don't necessarily need to have parents who were addicts to become an addict yourself, like, neither one of my parents were Alcoholics. Now, the generation before were, and I think sometimes it can skip a generation because while my parents were not addicts, there was still not a lot of emotional sobriety.

Due to their upbringing, they had some issues that they needed to work through, which then impacted US kids.

And probably was more likely to become an alcoholic because of it coming on both sides of my family. But yeah, neither one of my parents were Alcoholics or addicts in it. I still ended up this.

OK.

Do you have siblings?

I do.

Are they Alcoholics?

No, I'm the only one.

Do you have some idea what led to it, or I'm genuinely curious I.

Can you?

Yeah. So for me, I think one of the biggest like lies that kind of plagued me and took me out like led to some really awful coping mechanisms was thinking that in and of myself, I was not enough. Like, I was not lovable. I was not worth taking up the space that I occupied and.

It basically like my whole life was maneuvering around trying to get validation from people and like basically trying on different personalities to see if maybe if I acted this way more people would like me or if I did this thing that people would, you know, accept me more.

And I ended up trying alcohol and it was like the first time I had a drink. It felt like I was OK in my own skin, and that was what happened for me, where it became dangerous because it was the only time I felt OK about myself and that I didn't need outside validation or approve.

Oval and it was an easy way to cope. And then of course like couple that with some of the decisions that go along with addiction, like lying and like stealing. And just like being so manipulative and self-centered, it just feeds on itself because you keep thinking if I go and I drink more, I'll get that feeling back. That first initial rush of like.

Oh, I feel, you know, like, I feel so good. And this is so nice. It just never happens.

Well, the.

Part about addiction is it's a dopamine hit and it's not sustainable. It's a quick fleeting.

Feeling of euphoria and.

You need more.

And more of the substance to give you that initial.

Rush or whatever you felt was.

When you have more sustainable ways of interacting with people, you have a serotonin.

It and it makes you feel better and there's.

The love hormone that I can't think of at the moment, Tosin. Yeah. Oxytocin, that, that.

Oxy dustins.

Is generated, and that's a more sustainable feeling that you can have and it lasts longer.

So it's kind of, it's interesting to me the chemistry that goes along with some of this stuff that we.

We go into.

So when you're working with people in your groups and the name of your program is called, Unleash your inner radiance.

I like that.

From the dark shadows to radiantly happy.

So how long does it normally?

Take people to get from this place.

Fame and loneliness to a place where they're they kind of cut their feet on the.

Ground a little bit.

So I think normally by about the 12 week mark, we are having like breakthroughs because again and I say that only because it takes a little bit of time to really start to like implement some new patterns and habits into your life like people will identify things earlier on. But there's so much room for like regression and to see some lasting.

Changes to put some habits into place that actually lead to sustainable change. 12 weeks is where we're normally in a really good spot, like we're having some big breakthroughs at that point.

You do other modalities like meditation and hypnotherapy and things like that. Or do you? Is it just talk therapy?

This is just like talk, but I the more that I'm learning about some of the other modalities, the more I'm interested in seeing how I could incorporate it to just make it even more effective.

Have you?

Experimented any around EFT?

I have not, but I am again like I'm looking into all these things and like how can I be better? How can I make this, you know, better for people who I'm working with?

I've seen I've talked to a number of people who do EFT and hypnotherapy and it's some of the results that they get. It's pretty phenomenal. It's pretty quick. It's surprisingly.

Able to release a lot of the stuff, that's.

Like kind of clogging up.

Your emotions and and the way that you deal with stuff.

Yeah, they use it with PTSD.

People who've suffered from, you know, coming back from war and stuff like that, that are.

Really struggling with some of the emotions that they've had and been involved with in those areas, so.

Is there anything else you want to tell us about what you're doing?

I think, I mean, I think I've pretty much described it. The one thing that I just really want to hone in on and like kind of.

Feet into the wall is the fact that I just think that there's a whole world out there for people like women specifically. So my hearts for women in recovery to just remind them that there is a purpose for their lives like they are worth so much more than what they're giving themselves credit for right now and that.

Like to remember the world's their oyster. Like we're going to do this work and we don't have to stay confined to basements and churches as the only place we feel safe that we can show up and be proud and be radiant. I mean, I didn't do all this work to spend the rest of my life hiding and like staring down at my toes like I'm here to.

Show up and show out in a big way and I want to walk alongside other women to do the same thing.

And we've talked a little bit before the recording that that the types of people that you do work with what are those women look like?

So primarily I work with women who are in recovery from alcoholism. However, I can also help addiction with drugs and food, and I'm doing some more work because eventually I think I would love to work with Co dependents.

As well, because I think there's, I mean, a huge part of my story revolves around co-dependency. But yes, for right now, primarily women in recovery from either alcohol, drugs or.

And kind of the results that they get from working with you, I would imagine relationships change.

It can change relationships, yes, yes.

With people and.

So you're healthier, like you're just you get to be the best version of you because we're not. If I'm stuck in shame, I'm gonna isolate. I'm going to put up walls. They're going to be barriers. So not only in terms of how I'm relating with my family, how I'm interacting with the world, my ability to actually make impact and have value.

Gets diminished because I'm hiding inside myself and I'm hiding behind all these walls. I'm erecting, thinking that I'm keeping myself safe

So I think that it's.

In doing this, it allows you to relate better to your family, to show up more authentically for the people you care about, whether that's family, work, friends, whatever. Those meaningful relationships are for you and to.

Just live with authenticity.

Living with authenticity.

Something we strive for, but.

Often hard to achieve.

Yeah. Progress, not perfection. Always progress, not perfection.

Exactly. Exactly.

So Tanya, is there anything that you would like the audience to take away from our conversation today?

What I want is hope like my thing is to just hopefully help instil some hope. I remember being in a dark space of thinking that.

Pretty much I was doomed to a life of feeling less than and like that doesn't have to be the end of the story.

And and that's really what I want to leave the listeners with is like this isn't the end of the story. There is more out there for you.

It really could just be a new beginning.

So they can reach you on your website radiationredemption radiantredemption dot com, correct.

Yes. And I've got a ton of free resources as well as more information about my coaching if they want.

To reach out.

Perfect. Thank you so much for joining me today. This has been great. Hearing your story and how you're helping people recover.

Thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure being on here.