Navigating Co-Parenting and Rebuilding Relationships: Insights from JP Marsh

Transcript

Hi and welcome to the.

You World Order Showcase podcast. Today we're speaking with JP Marsh. JP is a health and Co parenting coach and he's going to tell us all about what he does and how he does it. Take it away, JP.

Thank you for having me.

Yeah, I'm a coach.

I help people deal.

And cope with.

The struggles of Co parenting and.

Working on or.

Mending sort of a broken relationship with your ex.

To get to a place where you can be more than civil and be a united front raising your children, I mean.

More or less, you know every.

Situation is different.

All people are different.

You know who's right, who's wrong?

It's just a lot of.

Trauma sometimes baggage. Blame.

Spite that, you know, goes into it sometimes, and sometimes, you know, one person picks it the other more, or.

You know, everybody's a little bit different in every situation, is a little bit different, but.

Getting advice and.

Having somebody sort of, that's objectively looking at situations that's been through the same sort of situation makes it a little bit easier to.

To see the other.

Side or find the compromises or.

Bend where you should and let things go that.

That are not important.

You know what?

I mean.

A lot of.

A lot of the issues stem around bitterness and spite and.

Unresolved feelings or anger or.

Whatever may be whereas.

Your family members, your friends.

May not always be.

The best advice givers, because they're not going to be very objective, they're gonna they're, it's hard.

It's hard to expect them to be impartial.

And so.

And it usually ends up you, your.

Friends divide up between the two of you.

So it's.

Like Hatfields and Mccoys, because you're.

The ones that go that.

We are pro them.

You're not the best person.

Your friends are.

It's all their fault.

And then?

When you get that in your ear all the time that.

Ohh I would.

Have reacted the same way or yeah, it's their fault or they're not doing a good enough job then.

The more you hear something, the more you believe it and whether it's true or not.

How did you get started in this?

About 6 1/2 years ago, me and my daughters Mom split up.

And we weren't married, and my daughter had just turned 2.

When we split up.

A week later, I blew the transmission in my pickup.

And then a week and 1/2 after that, my dad died suddenly.

While I and obviously what I.

Left my ex and was staying at my parents' house because, you know, I just.

Broke up with Michael.

Two households are really expensive.

Yeah, and it was all, you know, it was all kind of up in the air.

You know, it could have could win either way and all these, all these different variables were involved, and then all these things sort of all happened at once.

And I.

Went into a bit of a depression for a.

While all I did.

Was, you know?

It was hard.

Because I couldn't get away from the grieving process, you know, I mean, the grief I had when my dad died wasn't as.

I just I deal with.

You know, it was.

It was fast.

Know people die, I.

It's part of.

Life it's the way I look at it, but I was at my mom's house and so I was having.

To watch her deal with all the grief too, which.

Then all I did was.

Take care of my daughter.

Go to work and that was basically it.

And I kind of was in a depression for a couple of years and then.

Started realizing that I was in that space.

And needed to change and so then I started.

Reading a lot of books on trauma and depression because there was, I had a lot of unresolved things from my childhood that I hadn't processed or hadn't done anything with.

Also, and so then I worked on myself and.

Quit watching TV.

Started just having a life again and.

Two years ago, I think just around two years ago, I moved from Oregon to Montana.

You know, fresh start, but at the same time.

It's it kind of just snowballed from there.

Because I mean.

I had mentors and people helping me coaching wise over the last, you know, five years too so.

Did you? Did you?

Get custody.

Do you have full custody of?

Your daughter?

Or are you sharing custody?

There is no custody.

In a legal sense, we don't have anything.

There's no court orders and there's.

No, she has to be with you.

Or there or.

Or anything like that, we.

At first it was.

Rocky, when we'd split up, you know, just like any relationship that ends in that kind of stuff, but over.

The last you know, five years, six years.

Now, I mean, we're just we've always we've been able to figure it out on her own.

And so when she was younger, younger, we kind of did two days on two days off.

You know, back and forth, so that she wasn't going a long time without seeing either or.

And now she's a little bit older.

I mean, there's certain days and weekends that we sort of have planned, but nothing's.

If she if I'm supposed to have her on a weekend and I don't have anything planned with her, but she wants to go.

With her mom.

Like it's no big deal.

But if she calls me up any day of the week.

Who wants to?

Come stay with me.

It's no big deal as long as.

You know.

So your.

Needed one of us all.

Partner moved to Oregon with you.

She was, yeah.

Your ex.

We were about six blocks away from each other.

Oh, that's awesome.

And then most of the schedule that we have is.

It coincides with.

My ex is in a blended family relationship now.

So our schedule kind of coincides with when he has his son.

So that way when they have the kids, they have them both at the same time and then when they.

Don't have kids, then they don't have the.

Kids. Yeah, exactly.

Have a wife.

And so.

And so it it.

Just works, and that's really the only.

Kind of schedule that.

We have, you know, but other than that.

Last Friday, I took her to the western side of Montana and met up with her grandparents. My ex's parents, and they picked her up and then took her to Oregon.

So she's in Oregon for two or three.

Weeks visiting family and everybody over there, and then she'll come back and.

Get ready for the school year to start.

You know, is just I you.

Know if they if they.

If they got a camping trip planned or something like it's never a deal where it's like, well, it's my weekend, you know?

Then I'll just, yeah.

That is so awesome.

And it's easier.

I divorced.

My first husband. My kids.

Were teen. Well, they were.

Getting to be teenagers, they.

Out of the.

House and he stayed in the house and kept the kids.

But I was just like.

1/2 mile down the street. So there was a lot of being able to come back and forth.

The breakup wasn't real.

Amicable because you know you're breaking up.

And I.

Get the whole.

It's like a death, a part.

Of you does die when you have.

That in the relationship.

But we did recognize we didn't have any port orders.

I did whatever I could to keep everything out of the courts because I think the.

Courts just complicate things, and then there's the money pressure.

When you start hiring attorneys and.

You know the.

Whole idea that these kids are part of the both.

And when you start bashing.

Right.

On each other, that kid is just.

They're not going to take sides.

Or if they do, then a part of them is like there's something fundamentally wrong with me.

So I right?

I really admire what you've done and you're helping other people get through this process in a similar way to what you did is that.

Pretty much you know it, it gets a little more.

It gets more complicated when you do have the divorce stuff, because then there's obvious.

Court involvement with visitation and who is considered to be the one that has custody and.

Typically when you get court papers saying that one has custody, which basically just means that the child lives with them one day over six months.

Of the year.

And that's their address.

You know what I mean?

That person tends to.

Use that as like a like a power move.

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, I'm the one that has custody.

And what I say goes, and you need to either be OK with my decision or.

Not because it doesn't matter when.

It doesn't give you.

Any more parental rights than the other person?

You know, unless it's something where it's, you know, if you're on a supervised visitation or a strict visitation, you know, I mean, there's other variables, but.

When you start adding in some of those things and people get a sense of.

It gives people a sense of control that maybe they don't want to give up sometimes stuff like that and then it.

The needling and the picking, you know me and my.

Did our fair share of that.

If you can get past it.

You can actually have.

A really great relationship with an ex I.

Yeah, I have.

A good relationship with my ex and it's been like almost 30 years now.

My current husband and I have three other kids.

And we go to California, it's just like.

Well, yeah.

I mean, we'll do.

We stand together.

We do stuff together with the holidays and barbecues and stuff, I mean.

Here where we live now.

There's a a small group of people from the same place that we're from.

And so we all kind of do things together.

Holidays and you know the dance recitals, me and my ex will sit together and the and the school plays and sporting events and stuff.

And her, her boyfriend's. There are two and the his son. Some of the times, you know, and it's not a weird situation and it's not.

A weird deal.

You know, I talked to her parents quite a bit, you know, setting up when, when I was going to drop my daughter off or they're going to pick her up.

Because they live in.

So that kind of stuff and.

It was.

A lot of the things that a lot of the problems that.

We had before we got to a place like this was.

It I hope people not.

Make and do the things that I was doing.

And to be able to get out of doing the things that.

I was doing faster than I.

Probably got it.

You know faster.

Than I did.

Because you know.

You're connected to that person for the rest of your life.

Hopefully you know, I mean outside of the tragedy, but you're still gonna be connected to that person in grief even if there's a tragedy.

You need to grieve.

The relationship, because you're right, it is just like somebody died, you know, they're you lost somebody and you there's a grieving process.

At some point.

You gotta let.

It go.

And step away from your own pity party.

And get out of your own.

Resentment and feel sorry for me or I hate you because I feel sorry for me or it didn't work out or whatever.

And you could be the victim, or you could be the hero in your own journey and.

Is just a low point.

You can either you can either live.

In misery or you?

Can move on and.

You know that's the same with any relationship or any you know.

And then the other part.

But when you have kids involved, it just.

Like it makes it.

You're connected.

And I mean.

Is that's.

And you can't.

You know, once you.

Once you get out of that place of.

Of feeling sorry for yourself and.

Blame, you know, quit blaming.

Quit doing the blame game and quit poking.

You know what I mean?

Cause you obviously know what's gonna make that other person mad all the time, because you probably were doing.

It all the.

Time before you split up.

Why you split up?

Why would?

You quit doing that stuff it gets really easy.

But if you're going to needle somebody all the time or pick little fights or nitpick everything that they do or try to overstep and be involved in things that really are none of your.

Business but.

You gotta have boundaries and you gotta stick to the boundaries and you can't double standard all of your boundaries compared to their boundaries.

If they don't, they don't have the right to know who you're dating.

You don't have the right to know.

Who they're dating?

You know, Facebook stalking and doing all that stuff like it's not OK on either side.

If you can communicate, it makes things really easy.

You know me and my ex made a deal very early on that if I started dating somebody or if she started dating somebody and they were going to potentially be around our daughter.

I had the option and she gets the option to meet them first.

Because it doesn't.

I I mean.

Not that I would.

Have a whole bunch of different people that I'm dating or whatever, trampled through my daughters life, but.

We had that deal, you know what I mean?

So it just and it just worked it just it but it it let it put a level of accountability.

That you know, a lot of people need.

It also puts that.

Other person that's coming into your life on notice that you are united front.

The child has two parents who are.

Involved in that life and your job is not to come in and be a parent.

Your job is to come in and be my partner, right?

I'll do the parenting with the other parent.

And yeah, and you know.

In any, you know, communication is.

Is key for everything, whether it's professionally, romantically.

With your kids, with your ex?

I mean it.

It doesn't really.

In All in all areas of life.

You know, if you can't communicate very well, you're not going to be able to.

Really get your point across or.

Have good outcomes in a lot of scenarios.

But like.

I'm up front.

With people.

And I'm up front with my ex and she's up front with me and.

One of the things that.

One scenario and this happens to a lot of people that I work with and a lot of in a lot.

Of situations where like.

Day-to-day Adulting is not my strong suit.

Like is not.

Easy for me.

I have to actively.

Really concentrate.

To day-to-day adult.

In, in a lot of areas of my life.

Sometimes I'm a little chaotic schedule wise. I do construction in my Carpenter and I travel within 100 mile radius and so sometimes I get home at 4:00 o'clock and sometimes I get home at 7:30.

It depends on how far I gotta go and how far I gotta get back.

And it was the same way when I was living in Oregon, you know, it's just.

A small town area.

So you go log.

A lot farther distance.

And so my ex would text or call to see what time I was going to.

Be home.

And I would get.

When I quit getting so defensive and.

Then getting mad and defensive and then picking a fight or turned into a fight when you know now it it's she'll remind me a bunch of times on things not because she's picking at me, but because she understands that I'm not.

You know, I may not even know what day of the month it is.

And so if she doesn't remind me.

A couple times, then I may forget or I'll be rushing at the very last second.

And so when I quit getting defensive.

Like she was picking at me or trying to belittle me.

Then it became easy because I just had to.

I had to look in the mirror and realize that I'm just not the best.

At it, you know.

They do a lot of stuff in the summer times and she'll remind me and tell me like 3 or 4 different times, you know, we're.

Going camping this weekend, my parents come in and they're going to take her back.

You know the.

For a week.

This week, you know, couple months in advance and then?

You know a month in advance and then a couple weeks in advance and.

The last four days before the day, yeah.

So by time.

And you know and.

If they go on an impromptu camping trip or.

Something like that.

You know, it's no big deal, I mean.

I'm flexible and she's flexible, which is very.

Helpful you know.

You know, hopefully I'll be around a long time.

And she'll be around a long time.

Her grandparents want to pick.

Return the grandkids.

Want her to go to Oregon for two or three weeks in the summer time.

Like go. They're not, they're.

Not gonna be.

Hopefully you know they're not gonna be around as long as I'm gonna be around.

So spend as much time as you can with them.

You know, go.

Interesting how family dynamics have changed over the years and blended families and extended families and you know, people just working it out and you have relationships with your ex's parent.

I can take.

It's and it's not like, you know, suddenly you're this horrible person and you're just going to be cut out of the family album.

It's right, it's.

It's not like that anymore and it.

Was like that.

For a long.

Time you know when divorce first started being.

Being a thing and.

It was probably back in like the 70s.

I think when people started realizing that, you know, we don't have to stay in a relationship that's really sucky because.

Right.

The Civil Rights Act.

And most women don't even know this or realize this that are in their 30s and 40s and younger.

That women didn't.

Used to.

Have really any ability to earn a living right?

And they was.

Touchy to get like a bank account and you couldn't get loans or credit cards or any kind of.

Ability to have control of your finances.

And that's only changed in the.

Last 40 or 50 years.

And now marriage. Marriage.

Used to be.

This, you know, everybody had to get married.

We had to get married.

Cause you needed somebody to.

You know.

Take care of these issues that you.

Couldn't you weren't?

Allowed to do we were second class citizens and.

Unless you're pigeonholing cash in a coffee can, that was about your only access to money.

You know, they talk about egg money.

That was, you know, you'd sell your eggs.

You kept the chickens, and you'd sell the eggs.

And that was, you know, your pin money, the, the little bit of money that you had that as a woman, it was really.

And if you had kids at a.

Wedlock, God forbid, cause you were labeled a.

And then that was it?

Had no.

No other options for your life.

And, but now women have so many opportunities and men too, you know, not having to be saddled with somebody that is driving you crazy just because she's not going to have any other options either.

And I think you know, the whole marriage thing is.

In some ways, it's good.

In some ways it's bad, but if you're if you're too responsible adults and you're you're willing to take on the fact that, yeah, we had these kids.

And everybody in the family is responsible for them.

I have a son who has.

A he has a son and he has another on the way and he's not married.

To his partner.

And when she got pregnant, it was just like, you know, honey, no matter what happens between the two of you.

We will always.

Be here for you, I love.

Her parents, you know, I know her parents really well, and I admire them.

And, you know, we all do things together that.

It's like it's not.

I think eventually they will get married.

I know he gave.

Her a ring.

There's a ring and a promise.

But then she got pregnant, so they have.

To wait here.

Yeah, well, I mean.

I came from a my parents were married my whole life.

Think they'd split up a little for?

Six months or something when I was like.

And then.

My ex's parents have been married her.

Whole life.

They had both been previously married, but so she had a little bit more experience with blended families.

She has a half brother, half sister that are, you know, 10 years older than her.

And the dealing with the other parents and kind of saw some of that growing up, I didn't.

My grandparents, my mom's parents.

Were a blended family, they had both got divorced.

Mom and her brothers, and then my grandpa had two daughters.

And so Mom kind of grew up with that.

Kind of stuff, but.

And even, you know, I think a.

Lot of people.

Have a relationship that may not be in the best place and think of kids going.

To fix it.

And then or and or.

Feel like this hole that may be inside of them.

A kid is going.

To fix it.

I was.

I'm in a bit of a different angle.

Like I love my daughter and I and I'm an active parent and I'm very involved in all of that stuff.

But at no point in my life did I.

Ever feel like?

I needed to have children to be complete.

Or that I if I didn't have children, I would be a failure or I wouldn't be an adult or anything like that.

Like having a child is great and I love it, but it wasn't something that I I grew up. I'm going to be a dad by 22 and I'm going to be married at 25 or married at 20 and.

You know or anything like that it, but that those weren't the pressures that were put on us or the.

The societal pressures from society or the parental pressures from my parents or anything like that, it was live your life the way you want to live your life.

And as long as you're happy, we're happy for you.

And so I didn't have you.

Know I was 33 when I had my daughter.

You know.

When I go to her dance recitals, school events.

I had my last kid.

I was 44.

Right, right. And.

It is like 25 years, yeah.

And so.

But I mean like even you know I I have.

I have a partner.

A girlfriend?

We met last year.

Last summer or something like that, we've been dating for a.

Year or so.

She's busy.

I'm busy.

When she had, you know, she has two boys that are teenagers, you know.

Middle school age and.

Communication is obviously key, but like.

She was in a 20 year marriage that that ended.

It was the only person that she'd been with since.

She got out of high school.

And it was a couple years before I met her that they got divorced.

And all that stuff. But.

You're talking about a.

A woman who's never really dated.

You know she's known.

One relationship for the entire her entire half of her life, you know?

And so it's a slow progressing deal, but.

Having the open communication and having the you know.

These things in those things, like she hasn't met my daughter yet, I've.

Met her boys once.

By accident, you know, ran into her at the fair.

That kind of deal.

It works for me and it works for her.

Because I.

She needs to go slow, which is fine and I.

Really protect my solitude and my independence.

And so.

If it was a case of something where it was, you know, zero to 100, I wouldn't want it. I wouldn't want.

To, you know.

And so it you.

Know but it's.

It's progressing in that sort of way and.

She brought it up to me.

It was like, well, do you have any plans on ever being married?

And I was no, you know, like I, I mean, I don't.

It's not something that I need to feel.

You know what I mean?

I mean.

I've always thought of.

Marriage, in a weird way, like I've, you know, I've always been open and willing, willing and open participant in the idea of marriage in the aspect of get your closest family and friends together and have a ceremony and promise a commitment to the person.

That you love.

Do I think I need to go ask the courts for their permission to get married marriage to marry the person that I love?

No, you know what I mean?

And at this day and age, you don't need that piece of paper to get all the aspects of marriage outside of medical decisions in a couple actual things that you may have to.

That you can protect that legally with documents.

If you use another legal ways.

You know medical decisions, but you know.

20 years ago you couldn't have your insurance shared if you weren't married.

Now you don't.

You don't need to be married.

You know.

There's just that.

There's not a lot of, there's not a lot of.

Hook and line left to force you to get pieces of paper from courts and stuff like.

That but it you know.

I don't.

I I've never really felt like I needed that piece of paper to feel complete.

And it just it throws a lot of complications into the mix, just like getting the courts involved in your custody and getting these things.

So let me ask you this.

How do people?

Get to work with you.

Do you work with them over zoom?

Do you work with them?

How do they get?

In contact with you.

One-on-one coaching is what I do currently.

Some of the other.

I like.

To connect with people and.

One-on-one.

Interact with people because nobody you know it's not cut.

And dry no.

Two people are the same.

Right.

So I do one-on-one coaching and that's pretty much it. You know, I don't.

Did you have a website or something that they can reach you through?

Mostly just Instagram and Facebook.

I can.

To connect with me, you know?

Instagram, Facebook.

But I don't.

Social media is not my favorite.

You know, I tend to get Instagram.

The faith I do a.

Lot in Facebook groups and generate.

Authority and interest and talk to people and.

Connect with people.

Instagram really is hard.

For me to get to where I can spend more than five or.

10 minutes on it a day.

It just.

It's hard to.

Not look at everybody like they're sleazy, salesy and inauthentic because you know.

I mean, I could spend a lot of time posting quotes and doing a bunch of stuff on there, but it's just not something that I'm interested in.

Putting effort into.

You know what?

I mean, but I mean message.

I do.

Wise you know on Instagram or Facebook.

And then it just kind of connect and that kind?

OK, I'll make sure that we put those links in the.

Something I'm.

In the description.

Is there one thing you want to?

Leave our audience with.

You know most of my energy and brain power is.

Spent just trying to be a little bit better than I was the day before.

Empathy usually is probably the best thing that you could try to.

You, know how you feel, but you don't know where they're coming from.

And without understanding that your reaction.

Usually going to be wrong.

And everybody just.

Everybody's just doing the best they can with the.

Tools that they got.

At the end of the day that.

Is true. Thanks so much.

For joining us today, JP.

It's been a pleasure talking with you.

It's been a pleasure.

Thank you for having me.