G’anna Burke – Self Doubt to Self Love – Overcoming CPTSD & Becoming a Conscious Parent

Transcript

Welcome to the year World Order Showcase podcast.

Today, we're speaking with Jenna Burke, who is joining us and going to tell us all about her journey to becoming a lifeguard.

She says with a question mark at the end.

Is that what you would consider yourself or do?

You have a different name for.

It I don't know if I.

Don't know.

What you do just.

Don't know how.

You do it.

I don't know.

I don't have any.

I don't have a life coaching background, but I do have a conscious parent coaching background and then I have a background in.

I'm a master practitioner for emotional freedom technique.

OK.

OK.

So kind of like life coaching.

Hi, dad. I mean.

How did you get?

Started in it.

So interestingly enough, I was struggling with my own parenting like I had this.

Visual of what I wanted my family life to look like, which was very different from the way that I.

Was raised and I just couldn't figure out how to manifest it.

How to make it happen?

My son had a lot of health problems that were very triggering for me and I didn't have a lot of.

Skills to be able to handle it and to be emotionally available for him and to try to help solve all of the things coming up.

And I was kind.

Of I was stay at home Mom, so I was like in charge of everybody's health and.

And so this dream I had of like this is how I want my family's life to be. I could not figure out.

With all the chaos in our house and like he would wake up at 4:00 AM and would.

For the day and would scream like 6 or 7 * a night like Wake the whole house.

And so I just was like, ah, this is not what I wanted and I kept.

Defaulting to the way that I had been parented.

And so after I was, my health was failing from lack of sleep, and I was struggling with anxiety and depression.

I was like, I have to get some kind of help.

I don't know what that's going to look like.

I don't know how we're going to pay for it, but I've got to do something.

And so I.

Ended up, you know, investing in myself.

I found a parent coaching program.

I didn't even want to be a parent coach.

I just knew I needed the tools that the program provided and so.

I enrolled in that and in about 8 months like my whole parenting paradigm had shifted and.

And then I started working with parents and I realized I didn't really want to help them with their parenting.

I wanted to help them with their with their.

Their emotional struggles that they were having as a parent and holding that space for the family.

So that's my long, short story of how.

I got started.

Help parents get a hold of their emotional health.

It really does trickle off into helping their kids because.

It's really the.

1st place that you have to.

Start it all starts with the individual.

Right.

Yes, yes, especially with moms.

I feel like we hold so much for the family.

You know when we're not feeling supported or we're feeling unstable or we're feeling?

You know, like pulled in every direction, thin, then it's sort of like chaos. Just whatever's going on in our mind, it's all trickles out to the rest of the family, and when we can.

Heal those parts of ourselves and set healthy boundaries and you know, just connect, have deep loving connections, then that trickles out into the rest of the family.

So it's it is so much harder of a job than you realize.

It's not just like raising children, you're also raising yourself in a lot of ways and.

And healing those parts of you that get triggered by your children, which is the greatest gift ever.

Right most days.

You don't think of it that?

Way but and.

People, when they have kids, they're.

Still really kids themselves.

You don't.

We all have trauma from our parents because you.

Know that's just how.

The cycle goes, but when you look back and you think.

Ohh man, she was only.

She was only 20.

When that happened, it's like.

She was still a baby herself.

She wasn't even done yet.

Right.

Her brain was barely just fully developed, right?

Right, right.

And but we as as children.

Expect so much from our parent.

Whereas we as parents are.

Like, Oh my God.

I can't believe that's happening to me by my kids.

Right?

Right.

It's true.

Well, and I always tell my clients like that child that triggers you so bad that you're just like that child is the biggest gift to you because they're showing you all of those parts of yourself that are unhealed, and it's giving you an opportunity.

To heal those parts of yourself, it's.

Like then you can.

Kind of turn and be like thank you.

You for being.

You know the trigger for me, so I could.

You know, heal those parts of myself and show up.

As my best self and you know be in alignment with what feels right for me instead of just those, you know, generational patterns that we just keep passing down and at some point somebody has to say enough is enough.

I'm not gonna take this generational pattern and.

Put it on the next one.

I'm gonna be the one who changes that and not an easy job, but such.

Meaningful work and so powerful.

I still remember my son saying to me, mommy, when I get big I want to be a parent coach and I was like really why?

It is.

And he goes cause he was old enough to see like me shift.

And he goes.

Yeah, I want to.

I want to be a parent coach because I want a parent.

The way that you parent and I was like, well, the beautiful thing is you're already going to parent the way I parent because this is now the new pattern.

Like you don't have to learn it like I did.

It's in you.

And this is just gonna be so you don't have to be a parent coach.

You can just be you whatever you want to do.

And this is now how it's going to be from here on out.

And then they'll grow up and then?

They'll move away.

And then it's going to be like you have.

A whole different dynamic.

And then it feels weird. I wasn't a parent for most of my adult life. My youngest finally moved out this year, and I'm 63, so I've always had children in my home.

And it it's.

So weird that they're all.

Doing things and some of them are much older.

Some of my kids are in their 40s, but some of them are still in their 20s and it's.

It's interesting to watch them become parents and the older ones have older kids and they're having different dynamics going on in their lives.

It's just I love being at this part of my.

Life and being able to watch what's happening and how.

How their lives?

It's really.

It's fun.

So do you find that they're continuing like the legacy of your parenting in their own lives, or are they kind of shifting that?

Well, I had.

Two sets of kids and the first set was.

I was really young and I was poorly parented so I was a poor parent and I've apologized profusely and there's still wounds that my oldest is trying to heal from.

The younger ones I I finally, I felt like had a do over and so we're all very close.

And they are.

All five close among themselves, even.

There's 20 years difference between the oldest and the youngest.

But my my youngest son got married last year.

My oldest daughter is a minister and she officiated the wedding and then all of the other kids were in the wedding.

It was.

Just so cool and the grandkids were like.

Oh, that's awesome.

The ring bearer and.

The flower girl.

My granddaughter, she's so hilarious about the flower girl.

Well, she takes this role so seriously.

I mean, she practiced her twirls and flinging flower.

That's so cute.

And she wants to be the flower girl.

Put in, put her name in the hat.

For her threw her name in the.

For flower grow position at the next wedding coming up next year.

Here's my resume in case you need it.

I mean, she's like.

That that's awesome.

But that comes from her mom.

Her parenting style is that she's very matter of fact, and she's so organized.

Laura is an amazingly organized woman.

And her daughter is kind of the same way.

Like and there, those kids were so wanted, they.

They struggled for a long.

Time to have kids and they.

Ended up using surrogates.

In fact, my oldest daughter was the surrogate for their.

Their first son.

Oh wow.

So it's kind of.

That's really cool.

So in in not helping parents but helping parents, how does that look for you in your business?

So I mostly focus on highly sensitive and empathic moms who struggle.

They kind of swing between anxiety and depression and also feel like.

They're not getting it right in life.

Feel like they're missing the instruction manual, and typically they struggle with low self worth and self esteem issues.

And yeah and I help them with deep listening and my intuition and I we do a lot of EFT.

And I'm one of my clients called me an emotional investigator, so I'm always looking for, like, the root cause of, like, what's going on for them.

So that we can help them process through it and release it so that they can.

You know.

Learn to trust themselves.

Learn to trust in the flow of life.

Let go of the need to control the outcome for everything you know not be realized.

They're people pleasing skills is just a way to let them spin and not necessarily to actually be beneficial.

They're helpful in situations and just really help them to tune into their inner guidance and be their own best friend and.

And it's powerful because it's it gives them an opportunity to really, like, stand in their power and to kind of look at what dynamics are playing out in their life and in their mind and allow them to consciously look at those and choose.

A different path, not trying to like strong arm and override you know like.

But really, healing those parts of themselves that need to be healed so they can.

Stand in that place of.

Power and unconditional love for themselves.

So that's.

That's the light work that I do.

You know, if it is powerful.

It is and.

It seems like it's so simple that it shouldn't be as.

Life changing as it can be, and I've had it experienced it for myself.

I've had somebody work with me.

With it to work through something that it was something really traumatic in my life and just the rephrasing and reframing that happened in that process, it has shifted something that, you know as I.

Said I'm 60.

Three, this is something that happened to me.

When I was maybe 6 or 7.

And I carried it all that time from the framework of a six or seven-year old.

And it's like.

I I totally.

Come to terms with it.

It's like and then there's.

The money thing you can tap for money.

I know that works.

Yeah, it's true.

It's true.

Well, and the interesting thing is, you know, I think.

It's our subconscious mind doesn't know the difference between our six year old self and our 63 year old self.

It has no idea if it happened 6 minutes ago or 60 years ago.

It doesn't know.

It just knows that happened and its job is to try to keep us safe, right?

It's going to.

Come up with scenarios and things that it thinks are going to keep us safe and.

That's its primary job, so it's I I also mentor EFT students and so is what I like to tell them is to think about the subconscious mind is like this record player and it's like what's on your record player. Right? Like, what's because that whatever you know, I think it's 90% of the thoughts.

We had yesterday we have today and 80% of them are negative and most of them are subconscious. And so it's like what is?

Playing on that record player cause it's constantly looking for proof and evidence that it's true.

So if you have the belief of I'm not good enough or nobody listens to me or I'm invisible, or I don't matter or I'm stupid or I'm not pretty enough or I'm not young enough, you know, these are all things that we flippantly say.

In our society and their, the belief in which you view your life.

Through and when things start to happen, you know, like somebody cuts you off in traffic or whatever, your subconscious mind's going see.

I told you you're not good enough cause that guy just cut you off.

See, I told you you're invisible because your husband didn't pick up his socks.

See, I told you.

Nobody listens to you because your kids just ate that thing you asked them to, not.

Or whatever, and so it's.

When you see it in that role, then you can start to go OK, so maybe at some point in my life that benefited me, but it's no longer benefiting me and it's just shining a light on those.

Crevices within our mind so that we can bring them up, acknowledge them like hey, thanks for being.

Here you've played a role that at some point in time served me and it's no longer.

And so I'm gonna process through.

And like you said, once you're ready to release it, usually there's clarity or a mindset shift or something like that, and it can be used for very traumatic events.

And you can go into the matrix.

Yes, yes, I'm I had CPSD and CPT.

The CP, yeah, yes.

Whatever that is.

D with the C.

In front.

And so, so much of.

You know.

It can be healed.

They've used it with veterans, and it really does it.

It helps so much in letting go of those.

Beliefs that trigger us that take us into the fight or flight or freeze mode, and it's like amazing that, you know, our brains can change and heal and evolve for the rest of our lives.

It doesn't.

We don't have to be stuck in that place.

Because that's where we are now.

Like there it is possible to change and.

Not just by saying like a positive affirmation or discounting or dismissing, it's by actually like acknowledging and processing and allowing it to heal.

And the idea that.

We can't. We have.

Control over our thoughts.

They don't.

We and we can change them, right?

The first step is just recognizing I'm having that thought.

What do I want to do with it?

I don't have to have an emotional reaction to everything that passes through my head.

Are my consciousness, and I think that has done so much.

To help people.

I I think more and more people are.

Starting to.

See that there?

Are tools.

To help them cause anxiety is.

Like it's so prevalent in our society right now.

I would ask you, you know who?

How do you find your clients?

But pretty much.

You just walk out your front door.

Well, and it's interesting because.

Even though I experienced anxiety, I also I interviewed about 12 women who experienced anxiety just so I could see what the commonalities and the patterns were, and it was so interesting to.

See that even though it.

Come from different places or it might play out a little bit differently.

There's so many commonalities.

Amongst it, and once you know like now I know what to look for, then I can, you know, I kind of know.

I may not know.

Go where their trust issues came from, but I know they have trust issues and it's probably not trusting themselves, not trusting others and not trusting in the flow of life.

And then I can sort of listen for those patterns that when they're talking like, oh, maybe that's why they don't trust themselves, because a lot of times abandonment comes up.

But it's not necessarily abandonment issues from a from a parent.

Or a a lover or something like that.

Usually it's self abandonment.

And so at what point in time did they abandon themselves?

And maybe they had to to survive?

Now it's not serving them to be in that place of worrying about, you know, they need to come home to themselves and start really standing up for themselves and articulating and becoming aware of like what they want because oftentimes they just.

Everybody else comes first.

They don't even know who they are or what they want anymore.

So yeah, it is very prevalent.

I think especially.

As women get into their 40s and they're leaving childhood behind and I.

Can tell you your best years are still.

Ahead of you.

I know we need to start freaking out about menopause and all these things that are gonna start happening to us and we've already had our kids and it's like.

What's next?

I just spent 20 years.

Raising a family or 10 years, or that's a big chunk of your life.

At that point, you.

Know it's 1/4 to 1/3.

For a lot of these people and it's.

You might have.

Had a trajectory when you got out of college or high school that you were just going to.

Do certain things.

And you know when you.

Get older, you know, like it.

Never looks like what you thought it was.

Gonna look like but.

It's helpful to know that there are these tools available to help you navigate like the next step and to kind of clear the slate for all of the stuff that you've accumulated up to that point.

And take an inventory of what's no longer serving you.

You know.

The only constant is that you're always there, right?

So and it's interesting cause I'm.

This morning I was on a client call and.

My client was.

We're talking about her.

We're doing a bunch of tapping around her, tendency to like, overthink and overanalyze and try to constantly fix everything for everybody.

And she realized it's because her dad really wanted her to be like a people pleaser, to be accepted and the and.

So she was realizing she doesn't have to be a people pleaser anymore, but she still goes into overthinking to try to fix everything.

For everybody, but everybody doesn't always want her to fix everything for them.

So instead of her going into that place of.

Fix mode and then everybody's like, no, we don't want your help.

And then she gets her feelings hurt.

You know, maybe she can stand back and say like.

Is there any you know when they tell her something?

Is there a way that I that you need my support?

And then think about.

When she starts to try to fix like she's also robbing them of the opportunity to be the hero of their own journey.

Because she's trying to insert herself into.

That's really fun.

The hero as the hero.

Yeah, that's really powerful.

So yeah, like just thinking like, OK, now where, like you don't have to go down the rabbit hole, you can stay outside the rabbit hole.

And especially with highly sensitive and empathic people, we want to.

Take everybody's pain away for them.

We want that to make it better.

We want to, you know, we don't mind bearing the burden.

But at the same time, we're also we don't realize we're robbing them.

The opportunity for their growth and the what, what they're needing to do.

And that translates to kids often too.

As parents, it's easy to look at your child and say.

Oh I can.

Solve that problem for you.

And really, they need to.

Figure it out.

And it's sometimes hard to stand there and watch them fall and fall and fall and fall and.

But you need to be on the.

Sidelines going get.

Up again, I know you can.

Do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I was talking to her about.

Just using empathy, right?

Like, just listening.

Because we all know how it is to be in a situation where you tell somebody something and then they get upset and then you're trying to calm them down.

And I'm like.

That that takes like, then you're not a person they can count on to go talk to, because now they're trying to console you.

So like if you just use empathy where you listen without judgment and you hold the space.

For your kids, for parents, for whoever loved ones, siblings like and just.

Repeat back what you hear, not trying to fix, not trying to manipulate, not comparing it to your own situation, just really listening without judgment, repeating back and then.

Exploring a solution if that's what they need.

Do you want to like, do you need me to help you with this?

And if not, sometimes them just talking about it and you holding that space, they come up with a solution on their own and that's so much more empowering for them and it also.

Gives them the tools to be able to navigate life up and downs and to be more emotionally.

You know their EQ.

I think they call it your emotional intelligence, you know, so because you're then able to kind of stand back.

There and then that you're modeling for them.

How to do that too and you can keep your energy separate from them, but at the same time offer if you know, how do you need my assistance?

What do you think about that?

You know, things like that that can.

Help everybody to stay a little bit more.

And you, and if you can.

Help them.

You can make the.

Yeah, that you need to recognize.

No, is just as good.

As an answer as yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe he's just.

Taking not taking responsibility for an answer.

And you need to be good with.

Whatever their answer is, if they say no, that's going to be fine, right?

That was a hard lesson for me to learn, and I was kind of that person like you're.

This like I'm.

Really good at solving problems like superpower.

I can see how to do things.

And it's really easy for.

Me, but not everybody wants.

Not everybody wants that, and it's totally fine.

Right, right.

So how did you come to terms with that?

I think I just.

Got burned enough times.

It was like, hey, you know, I don't have to keep helping people.

And the whole I don't.

I don't need to be everybody's problem solver.

I have enough of my own problems.

Maybe I should just like watch cause sometimes it's fun to watch, sometimes they.

Fail, but sometimes they succeed.

It's like.

Oh, look at them go.

Right.

Yeah, it's funny.

Whenever I go into fix it mode like I forget and I default to my fix it mode, my son will be like why are you being such a weirdo?

And I'm like.

Ohh I'm in fix it mode.

Sorry because he's not used.

To me, being in fix it.

So he calls me out on.

It and I'm like.

Ohh yeah OK.

That's great.

That's really good.

I think my youngest child is probably the one that that helped me the most with just watching, like, just watch her do stuff.

The other kids were boys in the middle, so.

I didn't want to see.

What they were doing.

Fully recognized when you got signs, sometimes it's.

Better if you don't know till the police go.

And even then, it's like, please don't tell me.

Just, you know.

I'll show up.

At court, when you want me to.

But they learn.

That's how they learn.

It's how young men become, you know, responsible adults.

They pay the price for their stupidity and.

Hopefully they don't die.

In the process.

Yeah, well, that part of their teenage brain is, you know that.

That part is developing where they that risk taking part, so it's super normal for them and I feel like.

Societies used to be set up more for.

That them to have these like coming of age experiences where they could prove like I'm ready to be a man and we don't have that so much anymore.

And so, sometimes that risk behavior part of the brain that's really potent at the that time is looking for some way to.

Do it and they still don't have full access to the higher part of their brain.

So it's like they're still kind of in and out of that part.

So sometimes when they're out of it, there's choices that are made, you know.

And they're not always the best choices.

But yeah, I watched them go through it and it's like on the other side.

They step up, they're.

They're helpful and they're not afraid to.

Take a chance.

Yeah, yeah, that's what you need.

In young men, I think you need young, young women too.

But societies are kind of just coming around.

To the idea.

That young women can.

Be an independent human being and they're going to make decisions.

And they generally.

Make better decisions than young men at.

That point in their lives, because their brains develop a.

Little faster, right?

One of the species.

My stupid decisions.

And you know, I think us loving them unconditionally through it.

All right, they're probably beating themselves up in their own mind.

They don't need us to do it too.

So it's just like just being that constant like.

I love you and I'm always here on your side and.

You know, I'm always gonna be your biggest cheerleader and I'm, you know.

And that's the person that tries to like.

You need a listening fear.

Tell me how.

To raise you or tries to interfere in my relationship with you, cause they're not gonna fare well.

Mama Bear stepping in.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's just and then it's also just.

Us giving ourselves grace, right?

Because so much, so much we.

Feel like we need to take responsibility for.

Everything everybody does and.

You know.

We don't.

We just.

And we don't.

Even have to really take responsibility for the things we've done in our past.

They happened.

Get over it.

You can apologize, but at at some.

Wait, you just?

Gotta move on.

And try to be better.

But yeah, you can't change what's already happened.

Right, yeah.

And dwelling on that isn't going to.

Make it change.

It's just going to.

Make Rob you of the joy that now.

Has to offer.

Right, right, right.

And I think our children, when they see us striving.

You know, nobody is perfect.

They're going to see that we're not perfect, but they can see that we're striving.

And that is.

You know, all we can really ask for is that we can model.

You know.

How to be in this world and how to you know?

Co create life and all of that kind of stuff and that.

We can model.

That we made a mistake, how to apologize and then how to move forward in a healthy way.

So yeah.

Right.

And you not do that same thing again.

Right.

Right.

An apology without a change in behavior is.

Just an excuse.

Excuse my behavior.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, it makes it more meaningful when you actually make a change or seek help to help you make the change or whatever that is so.

And it helps everybody.

It shows them that it's OK to ask for help when they need it.

Because we all do so.

And more and more, there are people out there that can actually help you make the changes that you want to make in your life.

Yeah. Like you, yeah.

So what's the one thing you would hope that people?

Would take away from this conversation today.

Gosh, that's such a good question.

That the one thing I always tell my clients is if you experience anxiety or depression or low self worth.

That you are not those things.

They're something you experience.

Because oftentimes we say, oh, my anxiety, my depression, my self esteem issues, right, like we take ownership of them and when we take ownership of them, we're not giving ourselves an opportunity to just see that this is something we're experiencing.

And it's also something we can process and heal and move to the other side of.

So I think that's the biggest take away that I would like them to see is that you can evolve, you can change and you can have a different experience if that is your choice to not.

Be experiencing the.

You know, not great emotions or, you know, beating yourself up in your mind or whatever that looks like for you.

It doesn't have to be like that.

There is.

Help and there is opportunities for you to grow and to change and to find joy and inner peace and happiness and.

To love yourself unconditionally, even if nobody else ever has.

You can do that for yourself, and that's the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Really is the greatest gift.

You know, once you realize that the.

Only persons love that you need is your own.

And other people will come and go in your life.

But if you can enjoy yourself.

If you can love yourself and the time that you spend with yourself.

Makes life so much better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So how could you?

Go ahead.

No, go on.

No, it's OK.

I was going to ask how.

Can people get in touch with you?

So they can e-mail me at g apostrophe Anna burke.com

Or@gmail.com well, gosh, now I'm messing it all up. I wasn't prepared to say that, but I also have a very, very, very simple website and.

It's it's www.gannaburke.com that I do.

Now it's.

OK.

And they can contact you through there?

If they want.

To and you're on all the normal spots.

Facebook, Instagram.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we'll put the links in the description so.

People can reach out to.

Thank you Jill so much.

This is wonderful.

Thanks for joining me.

It's been great having you here.

Thank you for having me.

It's been a pleasure and I hope that.

You have a wonderful rest of your day.

You too.