Wisdom is Your Center Soul Statements are the Path to Living Well

Hi and welcome to the You World Order Showcase podcast. Today we have with us Corey Lyon Folsom. Cory is a relationship and love coach and author of the book Sole Statements.

A love coaches guide to successful communication.

He has. I'm going to let him talk about this part.

Of it, but.

He has a really interesting background and how he actually got into doing what he does now, so welcome to the show, Corey. It's really great to have you here.

Thanks Jill. I'm happy to be here.

So you want to tell the audience about your life as an Aboriginal skills?

Professional guide.

Certainly. So when I was a young person teenager.

I was just really entranced and enthralled with the natural environment we grew up in Maine and I could walk out our back door into hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of acres of forest and meadows, and there was a river. And so I I just spent a lot of time.

Just.

And and so I just was soaking up that the natural world and and it really.

I don't built some kind of bond or reawaken some ancestral bond within me and so later.

As a young man, so 20 years old or so, I became an Aboriginal skills instructor, which was there was a school, it was in rural northwestern New Jersey and they people would come for a week at a time and they would learn fire without matches, building shelter with your bare hands.

Tanning hides wild edible plants and on and on and on. And it was just excuse me. It was just a really.

Fun.

High high learning curve environment. I stayed there three years and I just got to be get a lot better at all these various day-to-day skills that ancient peoples had because I'm teaching it all the time. And then from there I bounced way over to.

Southern Idaho and became a.

An instructor in a program 21 days young people, teenagers, early recovery from drugs and alcohol. But it was based the the life way. The way we traveled was based on kind of a nomadic hunter gatherer types existence so.

We had to make fire without matches. We got one blanket in the summer and two army blankets in the winter, and we had a little bun.

Of food about this big to last us a week. And so we just did that. The stuff and a lot of wild edible plants. Those came in very handy and but but out of that here I am leading this group of 6 or 8 wilderness novices.

And not necessarily fully bought into even being there and so.

So I I got a lot more respect on for forces larger than me, the weather, darkness, topography, seasons and there was a lot of unexpected. It seemed like there was always something unexpected happening and so.

We had to become creative and problem solving and.

Working through the unexpected and challenges that we didn't that we weren't planning for. And so one of the things I learned is people's assets can become, I mean, people's differences can become assets just depending on the situation. And so maybe someone is.

Not so participatory in hauling water or finding our way through something.

That.

Maybe at another time they have the best idea that anyone's ever thought of and how to handle a given situation. So we we just learned to work through frustration by being human with each other, and I used to tell them I'm not here to make it harder. This is hard enough. I'm here to be your.

Ally and just figure out how we can get this all done together. And so we learned that these these obstacles and these frustrations.

We're great teachers that showed us where we need to work in, how to maybe more skillfully express our needs and and issues that come up. And so asking for help. That was a big one that we got to learn.

That's fascinating. I.

I love.

I love the idea of it's almost like Boy Scouts on steroids, you know, they living off the land and.

And challenging people to really go inside and figure out who they are in this process because you can't go through an experience like that without really coming face to face with who you are. What do you fear? What do you excel at? You may never have really realized that.

You're you're amazing at.

Problem solving in a specific way.

Because it's all about problem solving. When you're out there and you have to find food and you have to figure out how you're going to make shelter or use what's around you and becoming aware of stuff, people, we go through life and, you know, everything's always seems to be the same.

That it never is, but we just become blind to the things that are different.

In our environments and when you're faced with having to use what's in your environment, it makes you have to really sharpen.

Your observational skills.

Yeah, absolutely. And one of the things that actually wasn't part of the program, but I just instituted because I felt like it was, I would have them in the middle of the day when we're you know, we're stopped, we're resting.

Maybe we're having a some kind of meal is to send.

An hour by themselves like spokes on a wheel. Just go. Just don't stay within earshot so I can. When I hook, you know, time to come back, you'll hear it. But I wanted them to be able to find a little spot where they could just sit down, be by themselves and just think or.

Meditate or write in their journal and they always had to have at least a page in their journal written every day, and that was often the time they used to to do that. And so.

It was. I just wanted them to feel.

That they were just out in this amazing land and that their their, their concerns, their worries, their.

Resources, their skills, they just wherever you go, there you are. So I, you know, they could just be alone with themselves and take a little bit of an inventory and Mull some things over. And so ever I've just always been a fan of that kind of quiet alone still time by yourself.

And that's something that's very useful to me. To this day, I I need my alone time.

I feel the same way and I I just in my mind's eye I can see them sitting out there connecting with the earth. You're grounding. You're getting the energy from the earth running through your body. You're feeling the elements on your skin. You're you're connected with.

The real world, not this world that we've created where there's all this stuff that's.

In our periphery, but when you're out there by yourself, it it just like time slows down and and it allows for so much more introspection.

And.

Yeah, absolutely. And the next program that I.

Went and got to be part of. I did that for three-year. Well, actually three years intensively. But on and off for 9 years. And that was in southern Utah and what that was a six week program and on Day 19 we would at in the evening set people off on a dirt road 1 by 145 minutes apart.

And all they could have is 1 water bottle and a poncho in case it rained, and so they weren't carrying a flashlight, radio, nothing. And they had to walk.

On this sandy dirt road and I I would have glow sticks here and there where you might confuse the wash for the road so they could keep on the right track from time to time. So I would have this route laid out and they would go up to 25 miles, usually somewhere between 20 and 25 miles that night.

So, and they knew it was long. They didn't know exactly how far, just that.

We wanted them in by sunrise and in order to do that, they had to keep walking so, but that was spectacular.

You know the the hours just.

They don't exactly roll by, you know you're trudging, so your body has something to do. And they knew that if it felt hard under their feet, they're still on the road. If it feels soft, we have to figure something out, get back. But they.

They had this time to, really.

Have just anything and everything come up and and all these voices in their head and these competing competing voices. So.

It really it's like a mini vision quest. So just to walk all night in the dark by yourself and it's just incredible. The the change from the day before to the day after.

People were much more self assured, much more.

Purposeful.

They ever talk about aliens?

No, they would ask about them, but.

Kind of the thing in in some parts of Utah that there's.

To different podcast.

So what are you doing now? I know you've written this book and it's really fantastic. I actually bought it and I'm reading it it.

A great premise, a place to start.

Thank you.

So yeah, I love talking about my book. This is why I'm here. But I'm also a loving relationship coach, which that experience really what coalesced my thinking into writing the book because.

Some I heard myself saying some of the same things to different clients, so I thought, well, that must be really valuable. They're getting great benefit from it and maybe I'll start combining some of the stuff I'll write A blog and then I I hired a writing coach and she suggested it be a book. And so I.

You know, I worked with her for a couple of years and altogether 4 years of effort and it it, it was finally came to fruition so.

The the books called Soul Statements because I realized how important it is at that moment of confusion or when the that pesky critical voice is telling you an old story, an old, unhelpful story that in that moment you can pre decide.

What to think, what to insert in that place instead, so to try to calibrate your surface thoughts with your inner knowing is is what actually happens. So because I'm a firm believer that answers are in your center, so the process really begins with just being quiet and still.

And.

Deciding perhaps what you're made of and where your strengths are, and being honest about where you could improve and so you that time spent with your own inner knowing your soul. You can develop what you value and you get a greater sense of your own value.

And so when that pesky voice starts shouting in your ear, you can say ohh yeah, I remember that.

This is what I used to think.

And what's really true about me is and then here comes the sole statement. So it could be something like I can call upon the grit inside me or I have grit inside me. Or if you think you can't, maybe you're not up for something. You're like, you know what? I've I've got grit.

Yeah. Or my soul knows what to do. Or my heart is a trusted guide. And so you have these ready made statements to just.

Give your brain a better thought, which then leads to the next thought being a better thought because it's colored by what you just declared and idea.

Really.

The sole statement will work better the more you have them. You can feel the emotion of it. You want to have your cells light up and say yes, we agree or you know when you say something like there is a strength in my center. You want to feel it in your bones.

And that's what will really.

Make it really effective and so it's about giving yourself.

A little break from your normal inner dialogue and inserting something more resourced, more powerful, more empowering in in that moment, and then you can proceed. Maybe you get a little braver to use your voice and speak up for yourself, or maybe you.

Get quieter because you don't have to argue. For some point. You just know who you are and what you are and what you're made of. And you're like, you know, I have self assurance. I can let this other person have their opinion and and that's OK because I know who I am. I know what I'm made of. And so that's the sole statement.

I love them.

I and I started working on some.

Hmm.

But it's nice to have them handy. I like to write them on like mirrors and surfaces that I can.

I can remove them when I need to, but because when those negative voices come up in your head, if you're just glancing around, then you're it reminds you to go and no, I'm not going to think about that thing. I'm just going to repeat this and I'm going to let my brain work on it because your brain needs bubble.

And it will work to make whatever you're thinking a reality in your life. So if you're ruminating on the bad things that are happening to you, you're going to be more aware of the bad things that are coming around you because.

That's what your brain is focused on. But if you you grab hold of these power statements or there's sole statements that are identity.

Forming statements. It makes your brain have to prove them true.

That's right. And you know, I heard Tony Robbins one time say what's wrong is always available, but so is what's right. So and that percolated in me. And that was part of the genesis of soul statements like.

Well, why don't we just declare what's right at those at those moments and and?

As a as a type of affirmation, I love the sole statements because it's present time truth. It's not a desired future state. It's true right now it's always true, you know? And. And so you're not having to go somewhere or move into something, but you're.

You you can feel the truth and the rightness of it in real time.

In the immediacy.

And it's kind of an anchor.

To grab hold of when you start to waver and everybody wavers from time to time, it's like things come along and you it's really easy to let your brain just go off on the negative Nancy train. But if you have this anchored to grab hold of, it can pull you back.

Instead of wandering down into the two leads that are.

Take you someplace you don't want to go.

Yeah.

Exactly. So. And The thing is, you know, I I said a couple solid statement examples just now and and I have a a a client who recently you know she just read the book and she's just has one sole statement that just applies for all circumstances and that works for her and that's great. So there's not.

One way to do it I I I'm more tailored to the situation, but she found her sole statement which is I am enough.

And that's applies to everything where she might feel less than it's like, you know what? I'm.

Enough.

I am enough and she can feel the power of that. The truth of it. And life gets a little better. You you can be a little more empowered to do the thing that's best for you.

And it works in all situations. I'm a big fan of that. That sole statement. I've used it myself for a number of years, and when when you're faced with something, a challenge with another human being.

And you start to doubt yourself. You just remind yourself I am enough and it allows them to be enough too. It's not just all about you. It's about those that you're interacting with when you accept.

That's right, yes.

Confidence in your being who you are, who you were created to be, and we are not all the same. Everybody is unique and everybody came here for a specific purpose and when we stop having to like, be everything for everybody, we allow everybody else to be themselves too and and to share their specific gifts.

Yeah, that's right. And and I think when you're in what I found is when you're in touch with.

A solid-state or a sole statement that gets you in touch with the truth of your soul that you or less people get less argumentative. They can just allow present time to be what it is. And so I like to say I think I mentioned in the book that being uncomfortable is OK.

Reacting badly? Not OK, but it's alright to just hold some tension and just be a container and.

And and maybe if you've done something inappropriate, you could ask for a redo. Say you know what I don't like how I said that.

I'm wondering if I could just start over or whatever the case may be. So yeah.

And and it allows people to give you some grace and some space instead of trying to have to hide what that was, I think.

The the move that I've been seeing towards a a more sober community, people are moving towards sobriety and and maybe it's just because.

I'm seeing it in in the people that I interact with.

That it's it's kind.

Of refreshing that the whole alcohol and drugs movement it it.

Cat people from being their real selves.

It's like a little prison.

MHM.

That they.

Crawl into and.

And it it made it so that other people couldn't enjoy them.

Too, because they were so busy trying to hide themselves, maybe even from themselves. But it's it's interesting to see how that that movement's going.

Yeah, indeed. So and I, I love that. Give yourself grace and it reminds me of another time.

Unique and and if you practice these techniques enough they they're not techniques anymore. It's just what you do. But that is to when you feel your heart, you know, clench up or feel contract or get scared or whatever the case may be. If something hurts your heart instead of.

Using your words and saying something that you might, you might have to deal with later, something critical or or worse.

It's OK to just acknowledge your own heart, say ohh. I see that you're hurt just now.

OK. And there's nothing to do. It's just an acknowledgement and so.

You just have a little breath in NBC nonviolent communication.

Marshall Rosenberg said that.

Those times where where we are upset are the times we forget our own lovable.

Yes.

And so if we give our our heart an acknowledgement and take a breath, then we can just there again we're we're more centered and can speak or act with intentionality versus just fly off the handle. So I I just found that so useful for me and my my clients really love.

And just give yourself a little empathy, a little compassion. Right then. Real time.

Before responding to anything.

Yeah, the whole checking in and and being aware of what you're thinking, you know, it's a moment that.

Yeah.

MHM, MHM.

You only have the moment that you're in at any given time, only now exists. Take it. Treasure it. It's OK.

MHM.

You're.

You're allowed.

For lack of a better word, to to just embrace the moment and and in giving yourself.

Time to recognize what's happening.

You know, feel your heart.

Something happens to you. You don't have to immediately have a reaction.

Yeah.

You can decide how you're gonna react.

That's right, that's right. And we can decide how we're going to think. You know, I saw a cartoon a long time ago and it and it was.

Something happened with these kids and that might have been The Simpsons or something, and the the dad says, well, this is how we're gonna remember this thing, you know? And I'm like, yeah, why not? We could do that with ourselves. You know what? I? Because we're meaning making creatures. We make meaning from everything. And so we why not make it mean.

Something.

Something more powerful and more true about how you're able to handle stuff versus you know anything else so.

Yeah.

In a way, you can kind of time travel when you do that.

In that you can decide how you're going to remember an event or things that have happened in your past. It's a great way to get over trauma and and.

Everybody remembers things differently.

Because everybody experiences things differently.

And a lot of the traumas that everybody goes through in childhood are based on memories of a very young human being who's not fully developed, usually interacting with.

Is.

A younger person who is their parent.

As you get older, your perspective changes a lot. I'm sure when you look at your sons and if they have families and you, you recognize it, wow, they're just not that old. And they're having babies and they're raising these children, and these children are going to have problems with their parents because everybody has problems with their.

But you can change those memories of of your life as a child with your parent.

Into one that serves you better, and then a it will give you a better relationship with that parent as his old aging.

And.

It will help you.

To navigate life better, just like.

You're no longer the victim. You can be the hero.

Yeah, well, you know, I like to say that.

When my life really changed is when I started being honest to myself, honest on the honesty on the inside and you know about what my motivation might have been for a given thing. And I said, well, I was trying my best or I was trying to do this. I wanted it to happen this way. It's like, yeah, no, you didn't.

Hmm.

You were scared of whatever or you were trying to work something and it's like, you know, just be honest. And so I didn't have to say it was kind of cool because I didn't have to say it to anybody, but I could be honest with me and be like, OK.

That's not really the person that I thought I was, and so I had to.

Move my.

Move the way I did things to be more in line with my own self-image. What I thought of me like, well, I'm an upstanding person. I'm a good person. I'm a person of integrity. It's like, well, there's these places. Maybe, maybe you weren't.

And so I had to.

You know.

Adjust in a good way to to be the person who I thought I was, so that kind, that kind of self-awareness that just that self honesty was probably the most helpful thing helpful shift in my life.

It keeps you from having to feel like you're.

You're pretending.

Yeah.

When you lie to yourself, you even have to pretend to yourself, because you're just not that person.

Yeah, my friend, Kelly Bryson, who wrote don't be nice. Be real. He calls it the nice guys. GUI SE.

Yeah, I like that.

Because that's all it is. Nobody is. Nobody is always.

The the person that they bring forward and put their disguise on.

And another thing, just in the last few years that I found super helpful for me, was fasting from complaints. I I when I heard the concept and started to do it. I'm like, wow, there's a lot of complaints that come out of my mouth. That's this is crazy. And so learning to, you know, stop that was just a big deal.

To.

You know, and then you come off as less critical to other people because you are so big fan of fasting from complaints, especially with a in a couple an intimate couple, you know, let's not say any complaint about my beloved, you know, see if you can do.

That.

For a month and.

You know I the the pro version is to when you mess up day one starts over again.

Yeah, I've been married for 28 years.

I I can see how that works. We used to call it don't push each other's buttons.

MM.

Right. Don't poke the bear.

Yeah. Don't poke the bear. It's it's not going to help you.

And you know, if you're going to argue about something, make sure it's the hill you want to die on, because every every battle you fight.

It's going to leave scars in that relationship.

Couple that if you cannot argue without wounding, you shouldn't even argue.

Yeah, you know.

Yeah, and and you need to come at it from not being the victim.

There's there. There have been times when I've like, gone to my husband and said, you know, hey.

What I'm going to say to you is totally from the victim point of view.

I'm just going to say it and then we'll have a normal discussion about.

Mm-hmm. And that that gives him off the hook. He's like, OK, she's just gonna vent for a minute, and I don't have to defend him myself because she wants to be the victim now. It's not my job to be the victim in this conversation. We're just going to let her be the victim for a minute.

And then we'll solve the problem.

Right defined roles. I like it.

Yeah.

It.

If you work on on a relationship in terms of.

Recognizing what the outcome you want.

You know, want to grow old with this person? Figure out how you're gonna make the relationship be. Be fun and interesting and.

And not hurtful to each other.

Because everybody's got flaws.

Right, right.

Yeah.

And I, you know, and it's it's somewhat remember one of a Co instructor taught me this concept of.

You know.

If God wanted to take you out, you'd you would have already been gone. So what might that mean? It might mean that you have work to do. You have something to contribute, and so, you know, maybe I'd better get going because I'm here. Let's not.

Wasted. This is a just a wondrous place to be really.

I mean, people fight so hard to be here. You see these people, you know not doing well at all, but yet, you know, just breathing air and seeing some sunlight is can be enough.

Yeah.

Yeah, they they fight hard to stay.

Even to the end.

Right.

So how do how do people work with you? I I know you're both a coach and an author, but on the coaching side, do you do one-on-one couples or do you do groups? How does that work?

I I everything's on the phone or zoom and so zoom typically for international people. But yeah, I talked to people one-on-one. I talked to couples and mostly the the people that come to me one-on-one.

Ah.

They they fit a certain they're in a certain group, so their age from say 35 to 70.

Single woman and she wants to get more prepared to be in a beloved ship, a relationship and she doesn't want to have the same crap as she had in the last one or the one before that. And so she's like, I want to do this differently.

You know, how can I prepare myself to meet someone special? And?

You know, this time do it well and and something create something lasting and fun. So that's I hear that a lot. Yeah. And so the people find me on my website corerelationship.com and I used to have my phone on phone number on there but no one ever called they all they all e-mail so that's fine.

Yeah.

Ah.

My emails there, there's a page about the book to order the book and that's I'm spending my time.

Talking about the book, because these are my favorite subjects and and I'm really privileged to work with some people and help them move their own lives forward.

That's awesome. And we'll be sure to put the links to both your website and for people to order your book, which again, I already purchased and I'm reading it, I think it's fantastic so.

You.

Thank you. Thank you. And if I could have one thought or or take away something I want to leave each person with is that.

You know, each one of us. I'm talking about each person that you can call up. The best part of you in a moment.

And then the next right action is obvious. When you're connected to what you value and your value.

I love that.

Thank you so much for joining me. Cory, this has been an awesome conversation.

Thanks Jill.