What if the key to saving your relationship isn’t compromise—but connection? In this heartfelt episode, relationship coach and Beyond Obvious podcast host A.J. Joshi joins Jill Hart to explore how empathy, honest communication, and healthy boundaries can reignite love when things feel strained.
You’ll discover:
✨ Why “caring” (for yourself and your partner) is the foundation of a thriving relationship
✨ How to replace compromise with collaboration
✨ The #1 mistake couples make when setting boundaries—and how to fix it
✨ Simple tools for repair and reconnection after conflict
✨ Why understanding beats being “right” every time
Whether you’re rebuilding trust, deepening connection, or simply wanting more harmony at home, this conversation offers the clarity and compassion your relationship’s been craving.
💌 Connect with A.J. Joshi:
👉 Take his free “Can Your Marriage Be Saved?” quiz at sevacoaching.optins.com/5-QS-save-marriage
🎧 Tune in and learn how to bring more peace, play, and partnership back into love.
Want premium clients from your content?
Grab a free Client Acquisition Audit and I’ll show you exactly where your message, offer, and CTA are leaking conversions—and the 3 fixes to turn your podcast/Substack into a client pipeline.
👉 Book here: https://coachsalchemist.com
Transcript
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: When love feels heavy, silence grows louder than words, and small disagreements turn into big divides. What do you do?
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: In this conversation, I'm going to discover practical tools to reconnect, rebuild trust, and bring joy back into your relationship, even when you feel things are hard.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Welcome to the UWorld Order Showcase Podcast, where we feature life health transformational coaches and spiritual entrepreneurs stepping up to be the change they seek in the world. I'm your host, Jill Hart, The Coach's alchemist, on a mission to help coaches and entrepreneurs amplify their voice
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Monetize their mission and get visible.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: If you're ready to start attracting premium clients without chasing algorithms or hunting them down like a banshee on a mission, head over to Coachesalchemist.com and schedule your free client acquisition audit. It's the first step to building a business where your clients seek you out, rather than you chasing them down.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Today, we are chatting with Abhishek?
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: She says tentatively. AJ, as he's better known. Joshi. AJ is a relationship coach and host of the Beyond Obvious podcast. For over 2 years, he's been helping couples set healthy boundaries.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Communicate effectively, and reignite love when connection feels lost. Inspired by Tony Robbins, AJ spent four years studying human behavior before leaving his career as a software engineer at Amazon to follow his passion for coaching.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Married for four and a half years, and in a loving relationship for seven, AJ draws from both personal experience and professional expertise to guide couples towards deeper understanding
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: and a more fulfilling relationship. When he's not coaching, he enjoys hiking, exploring business content, and spending time with his wife, family, and friends. Welcome to the show, AJ. It's great to have you here.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It's an absolute pleasure.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So, let me ask you the big question, are y'all ready?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah, let's go for it.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: What's the most significant thing, in your opinion, as individuals we can do to make an impact on how the world is going?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: care.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It may seem like a very cheesy, vanilla answer, and let me expand on what I mean by this.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: A lot of times, we get really stuck in our own perspectives.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: We get stuck thinking about our problems, what we are going through, our pain.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: everything becomes about us. And it's so easy, like, it can feel like our problems are the biggest problems in the world. But if you just change perspective, someone else has a harder problem. There's so many
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: incredibly important problems that need to be solved. And when I talk about care, it's not just about people, animals, the environment.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Think about from a holistic perspective.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And… Bringing that incredible level of empathy to things, changes perspective.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Changes how you approach things. It changes the person you are trying to be.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And when someone ends up knocking your day off, you can probably smile and just have a little bit of empathy for what they're going through.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: That's so powerful, and caring really begins with communication with yourself and with others.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: In terms of…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: letting them have some space, too. And just because they may have said something short to you, or…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Cut you off in traffic, or whatever it was that you're feeling like you were done to, because, you know, we all have those moments where we're just, like, so caught up in ourselves that
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's like, the whole world's revolving around us. Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: When… when you can just… Take a moment and remember that Everybody's going through something.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Everybody.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So you help people with relationships in terms of Committed relationships.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah. To…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: to… to grow them. Talk to us a little bit about that.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: So… One of the hardest spaces for a lot of people to be in
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: is relationships. And let me expand on this.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: The hardest part
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: is because it opens up our most painful wounds. We find someone who we are so intimate with, and inevitably, they're going to challenge certain perspectives we have. They're going to challenge our beliefs, they're going to challenge our comfort zone.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And it opens up all the wounds we have had.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: When no one else is there, if you just have friends, if you just have family, you can push them.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: But when you are in an intimate relationship.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: you have to be vulnerable, or the relationship is going to be in trouble. And when you are vulnerable, it means you're opening up to pain.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It means you're, like, you're trusting this person to say, It's okay.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: I'll be careful with you, and this is a safe space.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And that is such a hard thing for so many people, and naturally, So…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: The reason I was doing this is very simple.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: What I've learned on my journey.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Just share it.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Because… It's easier…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: When you start working on yourself first. When you start becoming better, and you start bringing a better person into the relationship, one of two things will happen.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Either the… your partner is not gonna be able to stay In pace with you.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And they're gonna… it's just gonna drift apart, because you are getting better and better, and they're not able to keep up with you.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Or, it'll pull your partner, it'll inspire your partner to start… to join your mission.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And you're inevitably going to have a better relationship.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And so, that's the reason I do this. And it's a raw space, it's an emotional space.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It's a very vulnerable space, and so I enjoy helping people through that.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I love that. So what's the biggest piece of advice you've heard or tried that
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Didn't work when it comes to relationships.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: With relationships, I remember this specific moment.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And, you know, there was a family conflict going on, without going into too many details, and someone came and told me, just compromise, just tell them they're right, you know? It's okay, just…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Sometimes you just need to let it go.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And the most fundamental thing I've ever learned, if you want to make your marriage work, you want to make your relationship work, your spouse has to be your number one priority. It doesn't mean everything they say is always right, or you're always with them, no.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: In foundation, when it comes to making decisions, when you're one unit.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: They are the most important thing. As soon as someone starts feeling that.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: You're gonna sideline, or your partner starts feeling like you're gonna sideline them when tough situations come.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: things are gonna go bad. So if you start prioritizing your work, you start prioritizing other friends, you start prioritizing, you know, other girls, I mean, compared to your spouse, or other boys.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: things are gonna go wrong. And…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: You need to understand how to balance this, how to make sure your partner or spouse always feels like they're the most important person.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: In your relationship. Otherwise, they will start adopting behaviors
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: That will not be good for your relationship. That'll feel like, okay, I need to compromise.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: can't do anything about it.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah… To me, compromise is just, like…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: it's placating. It's just saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, that's fine, honey. Rather than trying to, like, figure out what exactly are you saying?
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And… What… what are the merits of it?
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And… and helping them to…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: To see… see things from… if you have a different perspective, from your perspective also, without making them feel like it's an us or them.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: sort of situation, and it's so popular these days, it's like, I am this, and that's what I stand for, and it's all or nothing, and you know, if you don't
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: fall into my camp, then you're a terrible, horrible, no-good person. Well, you know, nobody's all anything, and people look at things from different perspectives.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I can share with you a story about my husband. We built a camper out of wood.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And it was a great learning experience for us about each other.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I learned after 25 years of being married to this man, that he looks at things, and we're talking, like, everything.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: 180 degrees differently than I do.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Or at least 90 degrees differently.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: If we're talking about putting something together, he'll say, it should go like this.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: like, horizontally. And in my mind, I'm trying to explain something to him vertically.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's just, like…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: it's that fundamentally different. So we realized that we had to use a pen and paper if we were going to describe something to each other. And that's how I discovered that whenever I'm talking to him, he'll automatically say, no, it's this, but if I think about it, it's like, yes, it is that.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You're just looking at it from, like, the other side of the equation, instead of
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: standing right next to me. It doesn't make him bad, it doesn't make him anything, it's just how it is. But that discovery allowed me to have compassion for him when we have discussions, or when he says something that's, like.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I don't understand what you're talking about. It's like, well, if I just look at it from that lens, it's like, oh, okay, I see where you're going with that.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: I love that, and you know something I truly tell people to adopt?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Is a yes-and mentality.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It's not that the other person's wrong, they just have a different perspective, right? So, let's say you hear your spouse or your partner come and tell you, you know, we should go to the supermarket on Thursday.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Instead of saying, no, that's a really stupid idea, you can go with.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yes, but I have another perspective.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Would you like to hear about it, first thing? Do they want it?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And then you include them. And if they are willing to take it, especially if it's not a combined thing, if it's just them.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Give them the ownership of whether they want the other perspective.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And that… that's gone a mile… miles for us.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And you don't have to be in control of everything in a relationship. Learning how to say, you know, I have…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I have strong opinions about how X, Y, and Z are gonna go, but, you know, and if you're coming to me and saying, I think we should do this, if it really isn't something that's life-changing.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: let go of it! Let them do it however they're gonna do it, and don't try to, like, micromanage every part of it.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Absolutely.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: That goes a long way in making people feel important and special and…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: They're in charge of their own life.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I think it works that way for men and women. Yeah.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Absolutely.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So, what do you do differently in your coaching, in terms of, you know, bypassing some of this advice that we've all heard bantied around?
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And why does it work, do you think?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: I don't do… Cookie cutter.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Especially when it comes to relationships. Because relationships, each one… is…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: its own unique puzzle. And I'll tell you why this is.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: When it comes to relationships, you're trying to bring two different perspectives together.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And when you bring two different perspectives, it's two different histories that are coming together. And so there are two different sides of wounds, there are two different expectations, there are two different dreams, it's… it's a whole bunch of things that are coming together.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: So, when I work with couples, I have a few fundamental principles that I suggest that everyone should follow.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Beyond that, it's…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: helping one partner heal, helping the other partner heal, and then it's finally just learning how to work together to find a solution. That's… that's all conflict is. Understanding that you have something you're carrying, understanding the other person is carrying something, and then bringing it together. That's…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: The most vanilla solution you'll hear.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: But… We often need to be reminded of the basics, then we need to be taught something new.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: egg.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I had… I had advice from my grandmother many years ago.
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::… in the:126
::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So that's how far back this goes. Marriage is a 60-40 proposition, and both sides have to give 60.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And I… I've always kept that with me, it's like, yeah, that's…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You need to be more concerned about the other person in the relationship than you are about yourself.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: But you do need to know who you are. I don't think relationships are two become one.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I think there are two individuals who have…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: A commitment to each other, and to a common… desire.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: to…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: To further their… their relationship, but it's not…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: you get codependency happening when you're like, oh, you're the other half of me! No, honey.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: you need to stand on your own two feet. Usually it's women that are like that. They're just like, I'm just… I'm just the pretty half of my husband.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: No. You need to bring something to the relationship, otherwise you're just, like…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You're setting yourself up to… for a younger wife, because if all he wants is young and pretty, that's all he's gonna get.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: The… I would like to just add to something you mentioned with the 60-40 thing. Just adding on top of that, one of the
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: best pieces of advice I ever got.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Was, don't measure in relationships.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It's never going to be the proportion you expect. There will be times when it will go to 100 and zero, because the other person's… let's say they've lost someone, and it's… they're absolutely shattered, and so you have to go to 100, and they are the 0. And that's okay, you carry that burden for some time.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And it may not be a burden, it's a joy, you're taking care of this other person.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And sometimes, it's gonna be you don't have anything to give to this relationship. And then your partner comes in and fills up and says, I will take care of it. And so, the best perspective I ever heard was, it's 100-100. Give your best each day, give…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: the other, let… if both of you give your best each day, and you're not measuring how much each other is doing.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: You are probably 90% better than other couples.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: The advice I give my kids is don't push each other's buttons. We all know where those wounds are.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Especially in partners. Yeah. And you just… you stay away from that, especially when you're fighting, or you have a disagreement. Right. And don't go into the victim mode, go into the hero mode, where you're gonna solve the problem.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And it's you two together to solve the problem. It's not, I'm the victim in this situation, and you always, and you never, and… those… those are words that do not help.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: A long-term relationship.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Never use… do not use the words never and always.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Because it's impossible. Yeah.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It's… it's… It's your filters. It's you have deleted, distorted, generalized something.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Be specific and have an outcome in mind when you go to someone to…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: to make things better. I have…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: My husband and I discovered this early on, but… and sometimes we… we want to be in the victim mode.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And we'll come to each other, and we'll be like, okay, I'm totally gonna be… well, it's usually me, because my husband is, like, so easygoing about almost everything in life.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Okay, honey, I'm… I'm going in the victim mode.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I'm… I'm feeling this.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And I'm gonna just get it off my chest, and then we'll figure out how to solve it. And then I'm not mad about it, because I'm recognizing that, hey.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You're gonna say this, and it's not going to be all about him. You're just gonna have your moment where it's all about you.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And you can just clear the air, and then he's not gonna take it personal, because he realizes that you're just…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Getting it out.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: But then you can address it together and solve the problem, rather than wandering around being bitter about it and angry. And we… he was grating cheese.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: We grate our own cheese. So, he's grating the cheese, and he fills the ice trays. He uses most of the cheese, and he does use the most of the ice in the house.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And so, he's, like, grating the cheese, and he's like, I'm such a victim here, I always have to grate the cheese. And I was like, yeah, yeah, honey, you are.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's just like… and then you can laugh, because it's like… and you always have to fill the ice trays.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: But it's a reminder that you can make it funny, and you can… but it did make me cognizant of the fact that, you know, most of the time he does grate the cheese, and most of the time he does spill ice trays, so sometimes I make an extra effort to, you know.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: maybe grate a little more cheese than I need, or something, so that there's extra left over. I'll just fill that ice tray up randomly.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah. And, you know, as you were mentioning this story, something else came up.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: For me.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Some of the best couples who work really well together, they have this one quality.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: They allow repairs in the relationship. And let me explain what I mean. Let's say you're feeling conflict.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: You're going through something.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And then your partner lends an olive branch.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: They're like, okay, let's try to make this jovial, let's… Shift how we feel.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: If you keep pushing that away, they're gonna give up. They're not gonna… they're gonna…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It's always better, like, they don't want to get out of this. But if you just grab onto that, and you're like, okay, we don't need to be like this, and you make a joke out of it, and you just escape from the pain.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It's, like, incredible.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: It's… it's being able to have a continuing relationship and letting it repair, and sometimes
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: In the world where you repair things, where you've repaired it is often stronger
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: than… than everywhere else. Like, if you glue two pieces of wood together, that joint is stronger than the actual wood outside of the joint. Or when you have a scar on your body, it's stronger than all the other parts of your body, of your skin. So, you know.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah. You need to… you need to let things heal, and then you need to not picket to scab.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Well, it's healing, because, you know, that's… that's the other thing. Don't… don't keep revisiting things. Once they've been settled, just leave them alone.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Absolutely.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So, let's talk a little bit about setting boundaries, because I think boundaries are, like.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: They're so… they're so hip and cool and modern, and… and yet, they're saving relationships all over the place!
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Boundaries are… Took me a while to learn this.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: In fact, I grew up in a culture where setting boundaries was…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Not okay, especially as a kid.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: If you're a person in authority, you can set boundaries.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And I had to unlearn that, and relearn the power of setting boundaries.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Here's the thing about boundaries that most people don't understand.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: They say, I told him not to do this. I set the boundary, and he broke the boundary.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: No, no, no!
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: A boundary is, you say, this is the line.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And you set the consequence of what you will do if someone crosses it.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: So, it's not… the ownership is not on them. You own the action of what will happen.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Because otherwise, you're not in control. They can always breach it. You're expecting someone to obey your rules. And as humans, we're not great at it. We can forget, we can be in a lot of pain, and we decide to cross the line. Or, you know, sometimes just shit happens.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: But if it's a really important boundary for you, you decide what happens after that. And let me give an example.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: So… Cool.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: One boundary can be, you know, if you yell at me, I immediately leave the room.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And I'm not gonna be talking to you.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Until you calm down.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: That's not an okay thing for me.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: What's happening here? I am choosing what I will do.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And that slight difference, I think, makes a huge…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Like, the amount of margin of change that'll be there is incredible.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Boundaries are for us. Like, apologies are forgiven.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: They're for us.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yes.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And… and we need to decide what our… where our fences are, and… and when we're gonna close that gate.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You know, you're… you're free to have any boundaries you want to have, and… and decide what…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: What you're going to tolerate or not tolerate in
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: in relationships, not just with your partner, but with other people, too. You can have different boundaries for different types of relationships.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Work is another one that, you know, a lot of people just get sucked into. They'll do whatever they're told to do, instead of saying, you know.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I have…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I am going to leave at 5. If you put something on my desk at 5 till 5, it will wait until the morning.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah. That is just how it is, and, you know…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: If that doesn't work for you, then maybe I'm not the person for this job. But that is my boundary. You don't have to tell them it's your boundary, but if you let people know, and you don't have to tell them, you know.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: outright, but sometimes you do, you know? If it's a case of somebody yelling at you, it's like.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I don't, allow myself to be in situations where people yell at me, so I'll be back in 5 or 10 minutes, and it'll give you a chance to collect your thoughts, and maybe we can have a conversation after that.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, and that's all it takes. You don't have to be mean, or mad, or have an emotional reaction, or anything. It's just, like, matter-of-factly, this is…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: This is the result of.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And sometimes… Boundaries are extremely important.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: to convey how much something means to you. Sometimes people, they don't have your own world perspective. They don't see the world the way you do. So they may not get how important something is, until you set a boundary conveying that this is the limit.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And I respect this for myself, and I'm not gonna let anyone cross that line.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And when you do that, I think there's a level of…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Respect that you build for yourself.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And a level of respect that you command from your partner.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Or, from anyone, for that perspective.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Kids.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah. And… And the other side of that is respecting other people's boundaries. Yeah.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yes.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Including children. You know, you talked about.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Growing up.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Where you weren't allowed to have an opinion or have a… make a decision about things that affected your life and how you were… how you were feeling.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And a lot of people go through that, but I think as kids are… as people are becoming more aware of setting boundaries and how to have boundaries in their lives, they're… they're teaching their children how to do this too, which is so beautiful. It's like, this is…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I can respect the boundaries that a child sets for themselves, you know, it's okay.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: They're entitled to have opinions about things, too.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yes.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Unless it's, like, something that's going to…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: radically impact who they are, or how they are, and their safety. Kids…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Kids make decisions all the time!
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah. I'll give an example, just adding on to what you're saying. Let's say…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: You… you have a kid, and you…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: You keep feeding them, even after they say no. From your perspective, they should be eating more.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: What's gonna happen eventually is, they won't even listen to the know that they tell themselves.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Because the no was never valued, so the no doesn't have any meaning.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: So even when they want to stop eating, they're like… they don't understand how to listen to that word… voice anymore. So they continue to eat, and…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: As we know, it could cause health issues much later in life.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And that's just one example.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Emotions, same thing. You know, when you're told that you're… you're… when you never get your emotions validated, or your feelings validated as a child, you grow up and you don't recognize that those feelings are signals, and I think a lot of the illness that we have
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: in the world, or the dis-ease that we have in the world, is directly related to people not being able to process their emotions properly. They don't recognize that their body is talking to them.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah, absolutely.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So, how do you help other people feel understood? What are some of your strategies around that?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: I cannot recommend this book enough. I think I have recommended it to all the clients I've ever had.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It's a book called Never Split the Difference.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: by an FBI hostage negotiator.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And… The reason that book is so powerful is because FBI hostage negotiators
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: have to always work on the line. They're working with someone who is not in control of their emotions anymore.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And they have to have the skill to help someone feel understood.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Because that's what takes the emotional level back into control.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: That's what creates a level of conversation.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And… Just go read the book.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: I adopt those strategies today.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And every single day I possibly can. And they are the most powerful strategies I've read. He has his own company now, the Hostage Negotiator. He's incredible. So, absolute must-read. But, let me give a simple strategy.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: let's say you guys have had a conflict, right? You and your partner, whoever is listening to this.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Take some time to cool off.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And then sit down. Now you want to have a discussion about what happened.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: When you're speaking to the other person, Follow this rule.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Let's say your partner says something, You cannot…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Say anything until they are done speaking.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And then, you have to repeat what they are saying. This is a very simple strategy.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And that anyone can follow. Repeat until they say yes.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: You caught it. If they don't approve, you can't step in and…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: give… give your opinion. Now, here's what happens. This is a really funny thing. A lot of people, it's… because it's so hard to understand what the other person is going, they'll… in the process of trying to understand the other person, they're like, okay, I don't… I don't remember what I wanted to say anymore.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And it breaks the pattern of what was going on, because you're so held up in your perspective that trying to understand the other person, putting that intense effort.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It… it shakes the tree up, and now you guys are much more in sync.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Glad you discover things about each other?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah. Wow.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And the opposite.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah, absolutely, and it's a very simple strategy I feel anyone can adopt.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, it's so powerful, and I think I'm actually gonna go get that book and read it this weekend!
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: You must, you must. It's engaging, it's interesting, it's a book on negotiation, but he starts off with helping people understand, or helping people feel understood first.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And that core component is priceless, according to me.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: That's what negotiation is all about. It's coming to an agreement that benefits both sides.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: That's a successful negotiation.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You want that in a marriage.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah, yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Or a long-term relationship, yes. You want a negotiation where both of you feel understood.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And both of you can find an answer that works together.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And then… then it does make life a lot more fun together.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yes. Yes.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So… You have a…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Is this a quiz? Is this a document? What is the want to know if your marriage can be saved?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: So, a lot of people, often, when they're on the edge of their marriage.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: They're really not sure what to… like, is this worth moving forward?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And so what I did was I created 5 questions. Very simple questions. And it'll take less than 5 minutes for them to watch and answer it.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And they will understand, okay.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Should I continue working on this marriage? Or…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Does it mean it's time to call it?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: And it's simple, it's clear, and anyone can use it to get a clear-cut answer of what they should be doing next.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: I love that. I love that. And I'm a big proponent, I've been married for a long time, but, you know, if… sometimes it's just better to start over than…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: you've grown apart, and it's just not salvageable. And even if you have kids, it doesn't mean that you can't co-parent. Co-parenting is a big thing these days, and there's ways that you can do it that the kids actually come out stronger.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And don't feel like, you know, if you stay in a relationship where you're getting to the point where you're hating the other person, that does far more damage to your children than
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Then splitting up and showing them modeling behavior for them that's like, you know, we… we just…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: don't work anymore. And it is not about you, and we all love you, and we're gonna work it out in a way that's not gonna put you in the middle of this. Yes. We just want you…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: To know that you're loved by both of us, and…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: you know, it's just gonna look a little different. And these days, so many people are in those situations, like…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Otherwise, you convey the wrong message to your kids. You convey that, even when it's not okay, you have to somehow just stick to your marriage, which is the wrong message. You don't want your kids to have this message.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Yeah, it's… it's not fair to anybody in those kinds of relationships, and it doesn't make anybody a bad person, because, you know, the all-or-never thing applies here, too.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Nobody's all bad, and nobody's all responsible for a marriage breaking up, it's both of you.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And the sooner that you own that.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: the easier the split will be. Yeah. And don't try to take advantage of each other.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And put the kids first.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Think about them before you think about Yourselves. But, you know, Make it?
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Make it as amicable as you possibly can, and easy as you possibly can on the other person, because they're going through a lot at the same time you are. Marri… or divorce is like death.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You're… you're… Cutting off a relationship that…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: You've spent a lot of times, years, cultivating, and…
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: For whatever reason, if it's just not working, it's okay.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: And you will get through it. And life is good on the other side. I agree. And there's other people out there, and maybe that just wasn't the person for you for this season of your life.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So we don't change, you know, no bees.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Agree?
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Always the same.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: So how do people, get in contact with you? And I do need to ask you this. Do you work just with couples, and do you work one-on-one with the couples, or do you work in groups? Do you have courses?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It depends on their needs. So, as of now, I am reducing how many couples I'm taking, I'm shifting more into other areas that I'm working with. I'm a life coach as well, so I… I switch between the areas I kind of work on. So.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: yeah, I take a variety of couples. If… I've had people who are having marriage troubles, and I have to work with them alone. I've had couples who I've worked with, so…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: It… It's different varieties, depending on what the client needs.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Awesome. And so, again, how do they get in touch with you if they're… they're looking for that kind of support?
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Yeah, so either they can connect with me on the…
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Social media links that you can post at the bottom of this.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Or they can send me an email that they'll find when they opt into the website.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Okay.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Perfect.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: Thank you so much for joining me, AJ. This has been a great conversation.
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::A.J. | Abhishek Joshi: Absolutely, it's been a wonderful pleasure.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: To learn more about AJ and to download his,
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: free questionnaire, want to know if your marriage can be saved quiz, visit re… nope, sevacoaching, S-E-V-A, coaching.optins.com forward slash 5 dash QS dash save dash marriage, and we will be sure to put that in the show notes below. Thanks for tuning in today to the UWorld Order Showcase podcast. If you're ready to amplify your voice, monetize your
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: and get visible.
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::Jill Hart-The Coach's Alchemist: and start attracting premium clients, your next step is simple. Head to thecoachesalchemist.com and schedule your free client acquisition audit. Be sure to join us for our next episode as we share what others are doing to raise the global frequency. And remember, change begins with you. You have all the power to change the world. Start today and get visible.